The Lowdown

In 'ii - The Vessel', Laith Alawneh speaks to the whanaungatanga we hold with our whānau, our mātua and our tīpuna, and how our relationships with our loved ones evolve with us as we grow.

Laith is 17 and resides in Tāmaki Makaurau. 

In 'ii - The Vessel', Laith Alawneh speaks to the whanaungatanga we hold with our whānau, our mātua and our tīpuna, and how our relationships with our loved ones evolve with us as we grow.

ii - The Vessel - Laith Alawneh | The Lowdown Aotearoa

ii - The Vessel - Laith Alawneh

Family is a body
a vessel of life
each vein and artery plays a part
with each breath taken
love courses through your vessel
reminding you of who truly loves you
from the day of conceivement 
you were the heart

and your mother’s love flowed through you all the time
you used the wisdom 
that has been passed down through 
generations of warriors to guide you
touch, you learnt your fathers touch in his absence
knowing that it’s okay to be gentle

and you can plaster his pain across your skin but the body finds a way to heal itself
you learn to appreciate his absence
as he has gifted you life, and passed on your mind

as your mother births again, 
she cannot flow her love to you all the time, 

                it would be selfish of her

so your siblings lay in the hand of your vessel 
they help steer through the stormiest nights 
but sometimes they need you to take charge
so you cut them, so they can regrow into a better version of themselves

we take a lot of first breaths: shock, fear, excitement
with the conceivement of your own
the breath you take when you see them
opens your airways to a new dimension 
they become the heart of your vessel
and you breath for them, without them life can not be lived

as time continues
your mother will no longer be able to flow love through your heart 
and slowly the vessel collapses
but you live on in your son’s vessel
and if any part of your vessel is missing, the vessel will collapse
and that’s how life is


Arataua Media 

If you’re struggling with relationships this episode might help. Special guest Kiri Waititi joins us for a kōrero, sharing her wealth of knowledge afters years of being a psychologist. She breaks down healthy and unhealthy relationships, gives us tips and advice on how to better connect with a partner and a guideline on how to place boundaries. 



Struggling with relationships? In this episode, psychologist Kiri Waititi shares her wealth of knowledge on healthy and unhealthy relationships, tips on how to better connect with a partner and guidelines on setting boundaries. 

Let's Talk about Ai: Relationships | The Lowdown Aotearoa 

Let's Talk about Ai - Relationships 

There is a lot to unpack on this episode of AI. Tahu earns the title of finger expert and our panellists get to kōrero love languages, red flags and seperation. Special guest Anihera Tahu-Hepworth joins the discussion pool and gives us advice on how to identify toxic relationships, tools and tips for leaving or repairing toxic relationships and the importance of self-love.

Let's Talk about Ai - Toxic Relationships

Manutioriori smiling in front of a teal background with Māori designs on it, she's designed as an anime character inspired by Katara from Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Talking to your parents/carers might be scary, but for Manutioriori, telling someone about how she was feeling was a big relief. 

Discover how Manutioriori found relief and support by opening up to her parents about her feelings. her story serves as a reminder that you are not alone in your struggles and seeking help is a brave step towards healing. 

Manutioriori's Story Part 2 | The Lowdown Aotearoa 

Manutioriori's Story - Part 2

Opening up to my mum about how I felt was a struggle. 
I was scared she wouldn’t know what to do with me or what to say. 
I even thought she would push it all away and tell me to just harden up. 
I usually would just like bottle it up 
Like to me showing grief or sadness, I thought it was weak. 
My grandfather was like a very strong man. 
Yeah I didn’t want to show my weakness to other people. 
Yeah, I just wanted to be strong like him 

I wouldn’t say that she had completely shut down and we weren’t having any conversations.
But there were more regular conversations that were ‘I can’t talk to you about it, I can’t explain how I’m feeling'; I can only tell you what I’m feeling’. 
No matter what tactics I tried, and it’s not like I have a basket full of tactics.
So the tactics that I had, as I was trying them out, that was all I was getting. 
She just couldn’t explain what was going on; it was just ‘I’m feeling this, I can’t talk to you about it anymore’.

Mum made me join the mental health course at Te Kaha O Te Rangatahi, where I met Matt. 
Initially, I didn’t want to do the course because I thought they would be like therapy sessions.
The sessions were filled with laughter and just straight vibes. 
It was a great experience. 
The most important thing I learnt from the course is that not all mental health programmes are negative, just like they are in films. 
It was nice to open up to a group of strangers. 
It was also nice to hear the boys in our group open up, because it is not often that you see or hear boys open up about their mental health. 


The first thing I would say that I noticed is that she started talking more. 
She wasn’t hiding as much in her room. 
I wouldn’t say we went from her not talking to instantly she was telling me everything, but it was small steps, you know. 
She could explain to me slowly why she was feeling the way that she was or she was talking to me about things that she would talk about in the sessions with Matt you know. 
That was sort of the biggest thing was that she started talking and started opening up.

I was scared I might do something to myself so I started so I started properly talking to my mum about how I felt and telling her if I was having a bad day and needed space. 
We of course talked about the bad days I was having and it felt nice to be able to talk to my mum about my mental health and just ranting to her, doing this created a well-needed bond with her.
I was tired of not talking to someone so it was good to finally have someone that I know won’t judge me. 
I remember there was this one time me and my sisters were really struggling after he’d passed and we were upset at my grandfather.

My mum decided to pack us all up and we went off to Taupiri to go yell at him because that was a coping thing for us. 
We couldn‘t physically yell at him but it was still a bit therapeutic sitting there just yelling at him in our heads. 
At one point when we were there I felt like he was there with us it felt like his presence was there and that was really nice.
I’m still working on my mental health but I’m pretty sure everyone is the same. 
My relationship with my mum is so much better than it used to be. 
My relationship with my brother and family grew stronger throughout this whole journey. 
I’ve started properly coping with my mental health. 
I also use photography as another way to cope and started watching anime. 

I think that she is doing really well. 
I mean, life is never perfect. 
Challenge is always going to come her way, but she talks about things. 
She’s like “oh mum what do you think I should do in this situation?” you know so we definitely talk. 
I’m really happy at the fact that she, so far, is comfortable to talk to me about anything that is going on in her brain. 
Whatever she feels is affecting her and changing the way that she’s feeling,
she’s comfortable enough to talk to me. 
And that’s a huge achievement compared to where she was before she started the programme and started her little journey. 

I was expecting her to like, um, push me away and not want to talk about it. 
But she was really open to talking more about it and making sure I was okay.
Mine and my mums relationship is way better than it used to be only because I talk to her more. 
My mum's like my best friend; I tell her everything. 

I think I haven’t got it down to a tee.
You know, I’m learning every day with every new problem that gets thrown at me. I’m learning. 
It feels good to be on the other side. 
One thing I probably wish I had have done better at the time would have been to talk to people about how I was feeling. 
As time has gone by, I suppose I’ve learnt that just as much as they’re learning from being born to walking and going to school, parents are learning too. 


Three guys are huddling in front of a triangle with golden Pacific patterns. In the middle of the triangle are two hands shaking. 

Having good friendships is really important to our happiness. It helps us to feel secure in our lives, gives us someone to talk to about whatever is on our mind, and gives us special people to hang out with and enjoy the things we like to do together. They can be someone you can talk to about the things you can’t share with anyone else – not even your family. A good friend is someone who’s there for you when you need support, and that’s important to have in your life.

One of the easiest way to find potential new friends is to think about the people who already exist in your wider life. Think friends of friends, the people you know at school but don’t really hang out with, or your sports teammates.

Try and identify a few of these people who you like and would want to be friends with, and follow them on Instagram, TikTok or Snapchat. Over the next little while, start engaging with their stories and content. If something they’ve posted is cool, give it a like. Try responding to one of their stories with a positive message or a question, and see if they engage with that – it could turn into a conversation.

If they respond to you in a friendly way, keep it up – try and start conversations about things they’re posting about, and from there, see if you can keep those conversations going into other topics.

You could say something like “Hey, have you seen Demon Slayer? I can’t wait for the new season!” and if they have, ask them another question related to the topic. If they haven’t, then ask them what they are into and see if there’s something else there you can connect on.

It can take time to build a connection with someone and it won’t always work – not everyone will be a good fit for you as a friend and not everyone will have room in their life or even want to be your friend, but that’s ok. Just like you probably know some people who just aren’t your type of person, you’re not going to be everyone else’s type and if you can recognise that that’s ok, it might save you feeling hurt unnecessarily. Don’t give up trying!

At times, too, you may lose friendships. This can be painful and make you question yourself and the relationship you had, but remember that friendships have seasons and many of the connections you find yourself developing with others aren’t meant to last. When you’re at a certain stage of your life you might connect really well with someone, but over time you both move on and grow in yourselves, you have less in common or less to say to each other, and find new friends. That’s ok.

It’s normal to feel sad and even grieve when you realise you’re not close with a former friend anymore, but try to think of the relationship as a positive thing in your life that you’re glad you got to enjoy, and now as you’ve grown, it’s time to look forward to what’s coming next.

Finding good friends to start with is really tough - especially ones you can trust and who help you see the best in yourself. Friends will come and go in your life but the really good ones stick with you and stick up for you no matter what.

It’s important to remember that you – exactly as you are – are enough and you are awesome. You don’t need to change yourself to make other people like you, and if your friends want you to change who you are and what you like in order to fit in, they may not be a positive part of your life. Stick to your values and don’t let a friend’s opinion change your identity and what you believe in.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t try to grow as a person though! At times our friends can help us become more aware of areas in which we could do better, and that’s a good thing. Just keep an eye on how they’re influencing you and whether the changes you make are making you feel like a happier, more evolved version of yourself or whether you’re starting to feel disconnected from yourself and your roots.

 - It is important not to trust people too easily, so take your time and make sure you know who someone really is before you fully trust them. If you make an online friend, ask them to video chat with you to confirm who they are. If they give you a lot of excuses and don’t want to, that’s a red flag and you need to be very careful about how you interact with them.

If you’re being asked for money or find yourself having to pay for everything when you’re out together, that’s a big red flag and you should re-evaluate that friendship and whether the person is taking advantage of you.

If you’re more introverted than others, it can be especially hard because putting yourself out there in new situations and talking to people you don’t know well can feel scary, stressful and exhausting. Reaching out and connecting with others, however, is the best way to resolve that gap in your life where you’re needing a friend.

If you find in-person interactions tough, it’s ok to use the internet to connect with new people as long as you’re safe. Instagram, Discord, Snapchat and other internet forums and social media platforms give us a place to meet people without the pressure of an in-person conversation or busy environment. Just be careful to make safe choices and never meet someone from the internet in person without bringing a buddy, and never share personal details like your address with someone until you’re sure you know who they are and that you can trust them.

It’s not all easy though, even the best friendships can also be difficult. We’re all different, unique people, so it’s natural that you’re not going to agree on everything. Even best mates have their ups and downs and sometimes they just don’t get you.

Problems with friends are normal. Everyone goes through it. But if your friends are giving you crap all the time, or they’re not accepting you for who you are or listening to what you have to say, it can start to affect the way you feel about yourself.

If you’re feeling like your friends don’t care about you, take a step back and think about why. Are they just really busy right now, or are they dealing with their own problems? Have you grown apart? Maybe they’re really just not being present with you, when you hang out?

It could be that your mates just aren’t the kind of people you need them to be. You can tell if someone is being a caring and present friend to you by looking at the actions they take –both big and small – that show they care.

If they’re talking behind your back in ways that hurt you, leaving you out of things, or saying unkind things to you then this is bullying. Yes, bullying can even come from the people you see as your friends.

Friendships can come in a variety of shapes and forms. You might have a close group of mates, a few individual friends who don’t really know each other, or even just one bestie. You might see them every day at school, once a week at practice, live close to each other or live in different countries and talk online.

However often you see your mates, continue to check in with yourself and your friends around whether your friendship is working for you both or not. Different people have different needs, and while one friend might need heaps of time to hang out, and others may just want to catch up every now and then.

But how do you tell if a friendship is positive?

Telling the truth, even when it can be hard to. You’re both open and honest about who you are when you’re with each other.

Building each other up, encouraging each other to live your best lives and wanting to see each other achieve.

Genuinely caring about each other. Being kind, respectful and not judging despite what’s going on in your lives.

Sticking with each other even when you make mistakes.

Understanding each other’s unique differences and not trying to change each other.

It’s important to remember that friends sometimes hurt each other, but you can always apologize and forgive. Sometimes it might be hard to swallow your pride, but it’s worth it to keep that person in your life.

In contrast, sometimes there are people who we think are our friends, but they actually don’t really care about us as much as they appear to. We need to be careful when having a friendship with these people as they can hurt us or cause problems in our lives.

A friend who is having a negative impact on you might be:

Not wanting you to spend time with your other friends or meet new people

Not willing to compromise in disagreements

Encouraging you to do things that might harm you or get you in trouble

If you think you have friends like this, it may be time to create some distance. Ending any friendship is never easy, but by choosing to see them less and creating space between you, it will allow you to take the time to see if the friendship is truly right for you.

Having good friends is important, but it’s also important to be a good friend to yourself. Be the type of ideal friend that you want to have, and people will be drawn to you and enjoy spending time with you.

When you’re trying to figure out who you are, your friends will play a big part. Think of your close friends and your family as your mirrors. It’s not always easy, but the best thing you can do is be true to yourself. That way when you’re around your friends, the reflection of yourself that you see back from them will be someone you admire, and not someone you don’t like.

If you’re finding that your friendships – or lack of them – is having an impact on your mental health, or you want to talk through any worries about friendships that you have, reach out to a trusted adult or mental health professional and share with them how you’re feeling. They can help you to navigate difficult situations and relationships and ensure that your mental health is supported.

If you’re thinking about harming yourself or are having suicidal thoughts, 

to talk to someone who cares and can support you.

Learn to navigate friendships and build strong, supportive relationships with The Lowdown Aotearoa.

Navigating Friendships | The Lowdown Aotearoa 

Friendships

A whānau of 3 together in the shape of a heart with Māori designs.

What does a positive whānau relationship look like?

In an ideal whānau relationship, your whānau would be your foundation of happiness and success, as a lot of your mental and physical well-being is based on these relationships. When you have strong, healthy whānau relationships you are able to experience feelings of connection, security and safety and they can ultimately lift you up.

Remember that it’s not a one-sided relationship either – try to make sure that you interact with your whānau with the same aroha, respect and acceptance that you need from them.

If you have a healthy, positive relationship with your whānau, they might:

Openly accept you for who you are and celebrate what makes you special

Have a positive impact on you, helping you to feel loved, respected, safe, secure and supported.

Keep open and honest communication between whānau members and continue to work on having good communication skills

Set clear and consistent boundaries that uphold respect and prioritise your safety

Seek healthy outlets for frustrations, conflict and worries, and communicate with each other if something is wrong

Celebrate your culture together in ways that enrich your life

It’s very common for whānau to struggle in some or even all of these areas. Struggling to do these things does not automatically make your whānau bad people or a toxic environment for you, but it is important to know what a positive relationship is and what’s not ok.

If your whānau goes through a big change, things might get really tough at times. Your relationships with whānau members may be a bit rocky or you may find yourself under pressure or struggling to communicate how you’re feeling or what you need from your loved ones. Most of these things are part of the ups and downs of whānau life, and it’s completely normal to have struggles, disagreements and arguments, and to go through times where your whānau make you feel a bit down. No whānau is perfect and that’s okay.

It’s important to remember that while your whānau are a central part of your life and deserve respect, you also deserve to have your voice heard. You are the expert on your own cultural values & upbringing and you know your whānau well.

Make sure that you look after your individual happiness by doing the things you love and taking time to care for yourself, and this will give you strength so that as you go about communicating and interacting with your whānau, you can make the right choices to protect everyone (including you), and help ensure that every word and thought you share is cloaked in aroha and grace.

In some cases, you may realise that the way your whānau is treating you is not ok. It can be incredibly hard to accept that the people you love are not being good to you, so it may help you to understand some of the red flags you should look out for.

A whānau member who is treating you in a way that’s not ok might do some of these things:

Tries to guilt trip, manipulate or control you

Hurts you or someone else physically, or touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable

Doesn’t respect your boundaries or what you have to say

Tells you that you’re not good enough or says hurtful and unkind things to you

Constantly fights or is in conflict with you or other whānau members

It’s important to know that all of these things are never ok and it’s not your fault.

If someone in your whānau is treating you in any of the above ways, it’s really important that you talk to someone about it. If you can, it might be a good choice to talk to your parents or caregivers but if they are the ones acting in this way or they don’t listen to you, talk to someone you trust outside of your whānau and ask them for help. If you haven’t got anyone to talk to, you can text, call or dm 

 to talk with someone who cares and can offer you support and advice. 

If your whānau need to make some changes, it can be a pretty tough thing to work through and that’s ok. You don’t have to address this until you’re ready and you can take as much time as you need.

If things are really bad and you feel worried for your safety, contact 

 or one of the support services listed at 

 – they have support systems that can help you leave an unsafe situation. 

To learn more about your rights and find rangatahi-specific support to leave home if you’re living in an unsafe situation, check out 

If someone is hurting you and you’re able to call the police, you need to call 111. If you’re scared to go to the police, call one of the support services listed above as soon as you can and ask them for help – most of the numbers are free to call and they will do everything they can to make sure you’re safe.

We’re just not getting along right now..

Even if what you’re facing isn’t that bad, dealing with rocky whānau relationships can be extremely hard. While you can’t control the way your whānau choose to behave toward you, you can choose how you support your own wellbeing moving forward.

This might include talking to your parents or caregivers about what you’re struggling with, asking the whānau group to strengthen communications and work together on resolutions, regularly catching up with someone you trust or a mental health professional to talk about what’s going on, or choosing to put some space between you and your whānau and spend less time with them.

If you want to talk to your whānau about what’s bothering you but you don’t know how or what to say, here are some tips to help you prepare:

– work out what you need to say and what the outcome you want is. This will help you figure out your key points. You can even bring your notes with you to the conversation if you think it will help you keep the conversation on track.

 - If you have a trusted friend you can talk to about what’s going on, ask them to rehearse the conversation with you and work out answers to how they might respond – otherwise going over it by yourself will help too!

 – don’t approach them while you’re feeling super emotional about what you’re addressing, instead wait until you’ve had some time to process it and both you and them are not too tired, stressed or grumpy. It might take a while to figure out the perfect moment and that’s ok – you don’t need to rush it.

If you’re feeling anxious embarrassed or scared of upsetting them, let them know that

 – it gives them a heads up that you need them to go easy on you in their response. You could say “I’ve got something I want to talk to you about, but I’m worried you might be upset with me. Is this a good time to talk about it?”

Use your words in a way that doesn’t start with “You did this” but instead starts with “I feel this”, so that they aren’t immediately feeling defensive.

For example, instead of saying “Lately you’ve really been talking down to me and it’s making me feel bad about myself” you could say “I’m really struggling at the moment with how I feel about myself, and when you said I was being an idiot the other day, it really impacted how I was feeling.”

Let them know what you need from them. Do you need them to give you support, or to communicate more with them? Are you asking for a change in the whānau relationship, or do you need them to stop doing something that you think is not ok? Once you’ve told them how you’re feeling, be clear and honest with them about what the outcome is that you need.

Have a support person. If you have a trusted whānau member who can come into the conversation with you, that’s a really good idea, but if not, ask a trusted friend to be available for you to talk to and vent out any frustrations after the conversation is over.

Remember the conversation may not go well, but it’s a start. You’ve identified that something is wrong and you’ve let them know that it’s not ok or that you need a change. If they don’t react well, give it some time, see how things go and reassess whether you need to try addressing it again in a different way.

Whānau can mean different things for different people. Sometimes if things don’t get better and you have to make that choice to distance yourself from your whānau, you may find that over time you can create a new chosen whānau of people who genuinely love and support you. Whatever happens, you are worthy of love and respect and you have the right to feel safe in your whānau situation.

Whatever choices you make and struggles you face, just know that you’ve got this, that communication and a willingness to work together fixes many problems and that you are worthy of love and respect.

For some of us, our whānau is defined by our whakapapa and the connections we hold. For others, your whānau is the people and the place that you feel that you belong to, a part of your life that is deeply connected to your identity. Whānau relationships are different for everyone because they’re made up of unique individuals with different needs, personalities, opinions and ways of doing things. 

Whānau relationships are unique and can take many different forms. Learn more about with The Lowdown Aotearoa. 

Understanding Whānau | The Lowdown Aotearoa

Whānau

Your ability to connect with others in a healthy way plays an important part in your mental health and well-being. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

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