Figure sitting in darkness made up of words. Hand touching up back and lighting up showing support.

The Lowdown

Is your friend in crisis? Find help for yourself, a friend or anyone you know who is contemplating suicide or self harm 

Don’t forget to look after your safety as well. You’re not alone in this.
Protect your wairua and treat yourself with the same care that you would offer others.

Have you noticed changes in someone’s behaviour that make you think they’re really not ok? It’s a good time to speak up.

You may feel uncomfortable asking, but it’s important to be clear and direct. It can be as simple as “Are you thinking about suicide?”

They could avoid the question, they could be offended, they could get upset, but at least they’ll know you’ve got their back.

People are most likely to turn to close friends or family for support.

That might be you. Be non-judgemental, take the time to listen and acknowledge how they’re feeling.
Ask them if they will consider talking to a mental health professional. This is important so that you can keep them safe and take that pressure off your own shoulders, where it doesn’t belong. You are not responsible for keeping your friend alive all by yourself, so don’t carry that load alone. If they refuse to get help, talk to a trusted adult or to their parents/caregivers. Just 

If they talk about suicide or not wanting to be there (even as a joke), start giving stuff away or are saying goodbye to friends, these are signs you need to take seriously and do something about - even if they’ve asked you not to.

If you think anyone in your life could be in danger of hurting themselves or someone else, tell somebody ASAP. Reach out to their parents/caregivers, a school counsellor, kaumātua, trusted whanau, 

 It’s better to have a friend who is mad at you for breaking their trust than a friend who’s injured or gone.

Here are some ways you can help a friend who is suicidal:

If you feel they are in immediate danger of harming themselves, don’t leave them alone. Call 111 immediately, even if they haven’t harmed themselves yet.

Take it seriously – even if they’ve been saying it for a long time and never acted on it

Acknowledge their feelings, thoughts and what they are going through

Show your concern by paying attention and asking questions

Don’t be afraid to ask tough questions, for example, “Are you hurting yourself?”, “Are you thinking about suicide?”, “Do you have a plan?” If they have a plan to harm themselves, you need to call 111 right away.

Ask them if they want to talk about what’s going on for them with you or someone else. They might not want to open up straight away, but letting them know you are there for them is a big help.

Don’t promise not to tell. Instead, you can say something like, “I need you to know that I can’t keep this a secret because I care about you” and work to create a plan that you’re both comfortable with.

Problem solve with them - maybe they don’t want you to tell their parents, but instead you could agree on someone else you could go to (trusted whānau or 

Try to remove any dangerous objects from their environment (e.g. knives, pills, rope, anything sharp).

Stay with them until someone else can join you to help, or for as long as it is safe for you to be there. If you can, make sure they won’t be left alone.

It’s important to note that sometimes the person you go to for help may not offer you the help and support you need, but don’t give up there. Try again with someone else – this is important. Just because someone doesn’t listen or give you the help you need doesn’t mean that what you & your friend are facing isn’t real.

Remember to check in on yourself – are you doing ok? Is supporting your friend having an impact on your own wellbeing? Don’t take on more than you can handle, ask someone you trust for help if you’re struggling and 

Think of it like the safety instructions on a plane – they always tell you to put your own life preserver on first before helping those around you. 

You can’t help anyone else if you’re not ok yourself!

If you’re thinking about harming yourself or are having suicidal thoughts, 

to talk to someone who cares and can support you.

Is a mate really starting to worry you? If you think someone may be suicidal, ask them. Asking about suicide will not put the thought in their head, but it could save their life. It’s important to ask directly so that you can get them the help they need right away.

Worried about a friend? The Lowdown Aotearoa offers tips and resources to help you support a friend who may be struggling with suicidal thoughts. 

Supporting a Suicidal Friend | The Lowdown Aotearoa 

Supporting a Suicidal Friend

Let's start with thinking of health as a state of wellness. We can think of wellness as choices, ways of being and activities that provide balance in our lives that improves our whole self; mind, body and wairua. As we evolve and grow and as our environment changes, our state of wellness may require adjustments. It's helpful to think of a state of wellness as flexible to what WE need WHEN we need. This gives us room to explore and try new practices, connecting with different support and resources.

Everyone has mental health. Mental health is a part of your hauora, it’s the wellness of your mind, your thoughts and how you feel. On any given day, the state of your mental health can be really good, okay, a bit up and down, feeling a bit low or really struggling, and it can change quickly and massively based on all the things that happen in life, both big and little. It’s often complicated because everyone’s experience of it is personal and unique.

Our hauora is not individual. It’s a weaving together of our whānau, our whakapapa, our connection to the world around us and our beliefs. This helps us form an identity that connects us to our past, grounds us in our present and lifts us up to the opportunities our future holds.

It means that we’re a part of something bigger than ourselves, and within this we can find people who care and support, stories that uplift us and help us to feel connected and heard, and a sense of belonging and acceptance of who we are.

Your mental health is closely linked to how you think and feel about yourself and others, how you create and manage relationships and friendships and the ways that you’re able to cope with the ups and downs of emotions that you face in your everyday life.

If you’re feeling good, you might say your mental health is all good right now. If you’re feeling down, anxious or confused, you could say your mental health is struggling or just a bit shitty at the moment.

Sometimes your mental health can be impacted by things that you can’t control. These can include sickness, injuries or other impacts to your physical health, systemic inequalities, the way other people act or treat you, hormones or other chemical changes inside your body, and even the time of year, temperature and weather.

Your mental health doesn’t always stay the same.

There are many factors that impact our mental health and shift the balance between feeling good and feeling down or having a hard time as you move through different stages of your life. These challenges may come and go over time, they may be short or might last for many years. Everyone’s experience is unique and different from everybody else and can be heavily impacted by things like your culture, your family and your identity. You might be able to bounce back from a tough experience while someone else may feel weighed down by it for a long time and both of these responses are normal.

The one thing you always need to remember that you’re never alone in what you’re facing. People care about you and want you to be ok, and they may have a better understanding of how you’re feeling than you realise.

Positive mental health is often connected to having a sense of purpose, knowing who we are, being able to do the things that matter to us and feeling connected to others. This is linked to resilience, which is having positive ways to deal with your feelings, recover from things that impact you and enjoy life even when things are hard.

It’s important to know, though, that having positive mental health overall doesn’t mean you’re excluded from experiencing mental distress.

A great resource to assist with this is the 'Five Ways of Wellbeing' from the Mental Health Foundation 

You may hear the words ‘mental health’ being thrown around a lot in conversations, in the news or on social media. The thing is, you might not know what that means exactly. No worries, we’re here to help.

Mental health is a critical part of your overall wellbeing , but what does that actually mean? Get informed about mental health with The Lowdown Aotearoa. 

Understanding Mental Health | The Lowdown Aotearoa

What is Mental Health?

A girl with her hair in a bun is standing with her eyes closed with her hand on her heart and a pounamu necklace. Behind her are four inverted figures in black and white.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each person’s grief is unique and everyone will experience it differently.

For some people this is what grief might look like:

 – right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb or have trouble believing that the loss really happened.

 – You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning or deep loneliness, and you may be so sad your body physically hurts. You might cry a lot or not at all, and both are normal.

 – After experiencing a loss, you may feel guilt or regret about many things such as what you did or didn’t say or do, even if there was nothing you could have done to change this.

 – even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors or even the person who died.

 – a significant loss can trigger a lot of feelings of worry and fear. You may feel anxious, helpless or insecure.

Physical symptoms may occur including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains or insomnia.

Everyone deals with grief in different ways, and we often underestimate just how long it will take to feel better. With grief there is no timeline – you can’t control how long it takes but you can find coping mechanisms to help you survive it.

Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold. There are healthy ways to cope with the pain that you feel and to help you come to terms with your loss, find new meaning and eventually move on with your life.

if your grief is feeling overwhelming, itʻs good to talk to someone about it, rather than feeling like you have to keep your emotions to yourself.

Reach out to someone you trust and talk to them about how you’re feeling, or ask them to help you see a mental health professional who can support you in dealing with the heavy weight of these emotions. If you don’t have anyone in your life that you can talk to, the below list of websites can help you access support.

It’s important to note that sometimes the person you talk to may not offer you the help and support you need, but don’t give up. Try again with someone else – your struggles are important and just because someone doesn’t listen or give you the help you need doesn’t mean what you’re facing isn’t real.

 offers support and information to help you get through this.

Grief is a normal part of life. It’s a natural reaction to losing someone or something that you love or hold value to. You may feel grief when you have experienced the death of a person or animal you love or care about, the end of a relationship or friendship or the loss of an opportunity or a place that’s important to you.

Dealing with grief and loss can be challenging as a young person. Learn how to find support and take steps towards healing with The Lowdown Aotearoa. 

Coping with Grief and Loss | The Lowdown Aotearoa

Grief and Loss

Manutioriori in her room, smiling, with a bunch of photos and bright artwork around her.

When you feel down, it might feel easier to push those feelings away. Manutioriori shares with us her journey and a gentle reminder that you don't have to deal with them alone. 

Join Manutioriori as she shares her journey and reminds us that we don't have to deal with our feelings alone. 

Manutioriori's Story Part 1 | The Lowdown Aotearoa 

Manutioriori's Story - Part 1

I didn’t notice things building up. 
But if I look back at it, everything started in intermediate. 
Intermediate was rough. 
Bullying is something that is normalised in our country. 
You can put signs that say bullying is wrong or say “stop it I don’t like it”, but what does that really even help. 
I was bullied by someone I grew up with through primary and intermediate.
I don’t know what made her do it, but I kind of felt betrayed because she was someone I really trusted. 
During the same time that all of this was happening my parents were going through a divorce.
But because I was only young, I didn’t really comprehend the situation. 
I did see how much it hurt the rest of my siblings though. 

When it did end up being just me and the kids.
I learnt very early on that if I couldn’t be open and honest with them about what was going on in my world,
which was affecting their world, we were never going to be okay. 
I actually sat them all down and had that conversation with them about the fact that their father had gone 
and that he wasn’t coming back.
Because it was the only thing I knew to do. 
So, in amongst everything that we’ve done and all the things we’ve been through, that’s the only thing that I could ever do was just talk or try and get them to talk.
But when they stop talking to you, that’s when it gets really hard.
Because when they’re not talking, you don’t know how they’re feeling and you don’t know what more you can do to try and pull them back up.

Even though I didn’t properly comprehend the divorce, I was disappointed with my dad.
He wasn’t around as much as I wanted him to be, mainly because he wasn’t in stable accommodation. 
The relationship I had with my dad started to fade because I was upset with him. 
In my head I was thinking “why now?” why does he want to be a part of our lives now, because it seems like he’s trying more now than when he lived under our roof. 

With Manutioriori, I think looking back I think that there were definitely signs when her – me and her father separated. 
Slowly but surely the signs were getting more and more obvious.
But she talks more about when her grandfather – who was her father’s father passed away. 

Highschool came around, I made new friends, I settled in pretty well. 
It was actually better than I expected.
And then boom, koro passed away.
It felt like everything started falling apart.
I had lost the mana Māori person that I looked up to and adored. 
My grandfather was the type of person that loved his grandkids more than anything. 
The person that we could run away to knowing we would be safe.
I can’t really explain the way I felt, but going to his house, even now, feels like there’s something missing. 
It’s hard for me to place an emotion on it. 
Mostly grief, uh guilt because you know I didn’t see my grandfather before he passed away. Yeah.
I tried to push it away, but it was still sitting in the back of my head. 
I think it would’ve got to a point where I would’ve started like self-harm, even though I don’t like thinking about that, yeah.

When you get to a point where you feel like you’ve done all that you possibly could, fear starts to kick in.
Fear that you know um that they’re just going to lose the plot or you’re going to lose them. 
And it can get really hard, you know then you start sort of judging yourself.
Looking at your own inadequacies, like you’re not good enough to be a parent.
Um, it can be quite hard and I think in amongst it all when it gets to that point, 
you spend a lot of time trying to show on the outside that that’s not how you feel.
So you still have to walk around with the brave face, even though the brain is just going “oh my god, oh my god, what am I going to do next?”
After her grandfather passed away, I mean I wouldn’t say that she was a very confident and open child before he passed away, but she definitely went a little bit darker.
Um, after he passed and then of course I think it was a year later his wife passed away. 
So that was another huge toll on all of them including her. 


Manutioriori smiling in front of a teal background with Māori designs on it, she's designed as an anime character inspired by Katara from Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Talking to your parents/carers might be scary, but for Manutioriori, telling someone about how she was feeling was a big relief. 

Discover how Manutioriori found relief and support by opening up to her parents about her feelings. her story serves as a reminder that you are not alone in your struggles and seeking help is a brave step towards healing. 

Manutioriori's Story Part 2 | The Lowdown Aotearoa 

Manutioriori's Story - Part 2

Opening up to my mum about how I felt was a struggle. 
I was scared she wouldn’t know what to do with me or what to say. 
I even thought she would push it all away and tell me to just harden up. 
I usually would just like bottle it up 
Like to me showing grief or sadness, I thought it was weak. 
My grandfather was like a very strong man. 
Yeah I didn’t want to show my weakness to other people. 
Yeah, I just wanted to be strong like him 

I wouldn’t say that she had completely shut down and we weren’t having any conversations.
But there were more regular conversations that were ‘I can’t talk to you about it, I can’t explain how I’m feeling'; I can only tell you what I’m feeling’. 
No matter what tactics I tried, and it’s not like I have a basket full of tactics.
So the tactics that I had, as I was trying them out, that was all I was getting. 
She just couldn’t explain what was going on; it was just ‘I’m feeling this, I can’t talk to you about it anymore’.

Mum made me join the mental health course at Te Kaha O Te Rangatahi, where I met Matt. 
Initially, I didn’t want to do the course because I thought they would be like therapy sessions.
The sessions were filled with laughter and just straight vibes. 
It was a great experience. 
The most important thing I learnt from the course is that not all mental health programmes are negative, just like they are in films. 
It was nice to open up to a group of strangers. 
It was also nice to hear the boys in our group open up, because it is not often that you see or hear boys open up about their mental health. 


The first thing I would say that I noticed is that she started talking more. 
She wasn’t hiding as much in her room. 
I wouldn’t say we went from her not talking to instantly she was telling me everything, but it was small steps, you know. 
She could explain to me slowly why she was feeling the way that she was or she was talking to me about things that she would talk about in the sessions with Matt you know. 
That was sort of the biggest thing was that she started talking and started opening up.

I was scared I might do something to myself so I started so I started properly talking to my mum about how I felt and telling her if I was having a bad day and needed space. 
We of course talked about the bad days I was having and it felt nice to be able to talk to my mum about my mental health and just ranting to her, doing this created a well-needed bond with her.
I was tired of not talking to someone so it was good to finally have someone that I know won’t judge me. 
I remember there was this one time me and my sisters were really struggling after he’d passed and we were upset at my grandfather.

My mum decided to pack us all up and we went off to Taupiri to go yell at him because that was a coping thing for us. 
We couldn‘t physically yell at him but it was still a bit therapeutic sitting there just yelling at him in our heads. 
At one point when we were there I felt like he was there with us it felt like his presence was there and that was really nice.
I’m still working on my mental health but I’m pretty sure everyone is the same. 
My relationship with my mum is so much better than it used to be. 
My relationship with my brother and family grew stronger throughout this whole journey. 
I’ve started properly coping with my mental health. 
I also use photography as another way to cope and started watching anime. 

I think that she is doing really well. 
I mean, life is never perfect. 
Challenge is always going to come her way, but she talks about things. 
She’s like “oh mum what do you think I should do in this situation?” you know so we definitely talk. 
I’m really happy at the fact that she, so far, is comfortable to talk to me about anything that is going on in her brain. 
Whatever she feels is affecting her and changing the way that she’s feeling,
she’s comfortable enough to talk to me. 
And that’s a huge achievement compared to where she was before she started the programme and started her little journey. 

I was expecting her to like, um, push me away and not want to talk about it. 
But she was really open to talking more about it and making sure I was okay.
Mine and my mums relationship is way better than it used to be only because I talk to her more. 
My mum's like my best friend; I tell her everything. 

I think I haven’t got it down to a tee.
You know, I’m learning every day with every new problem that gets thrown at me. I’m learning. 
It feels good to be on the other side. 
One thing I probably wish I had have done better at the time would have been to talk to people about how I was feeling. 
As time has gone by, I suppose I’ve learnt that just as much as they’re learning from being born to walking and going to school, parents are learning too. 


A person wearing a red and black hoodie, looking down, covering the top half of their face in the dark.

It’s normal to go through ups and downs and at times to feel sad and heavy, but depression is when that feeling of heavy sadness doesn’t go away. Instead it lasts longer, may get worse and often won’t get better without help. It can affect your ability to do everyday things, feel pleasure or take interest in activities. You may find it really hard to get out of bed in the morning or to do simple things like brushing your teeth, sending a text or going outside. Sometimes there are triggers for depression such as a break up, school stress, losing a loved one, social isolation, medication, family history and so on. You can also become depressed for no reason at all.

 but there are some common symptoms and feelings:

Struggling to do things that used to be a normal part of your life

Not wanting to do the things that you used to enjoy

If you’re feeling alone or too embarrassed to talk to someone about how you’re feeling, know that depression isn’t something to be ashamed of – 

is going through it with you. Conquering sadness or depression takes effort, and you shouldn’t try to do it alone.

We often tell ourselves that if we talk to someone, they will think we’re exaggerating our problems, being silly or giving them a burden to deal with. The thing is, this is almost never true! People care a lot more than we give them credit for, and if you speak to someone about what you’re struggling with, you’re likely to find that you have unlocked the bonus of a caring supportive person who will help you get through your tough times.

It’s important to note that sometimes the person you talk to may not offer you the help and support you need, but don’t give up there. Try again with someone else – your struggles are important and just because someone doesn’t listen or give you the help you need doesn’t mean what you’re facing isn’t real. The sooner you start getting help, the sooner you will start feeling better.

Sometimes life just sucks. It’s like you’re wading through mud – it’s heavy, it clings to you and weighs you down, making even simple actions like taking a step feel incredibly tough. 

Depression

Two friends are hugging in the palms of hands. Over them is a yellow Pacific-patterned umbrella, which is sheltering them from rain with negative words inside.

You probably want to give them as much support as possible, but you may not know what to say or how to help. Even when you’re trying to be supportive, it can feel like you’re getting it all wrong.

It’s important not to judge yourself for being a bit unsure of what to say in these moments. You don’t need to be a doctor or a trained counsellor to support a friend – most of the time, they just need you to show up for them and encourage them to talk about how they’re feeling.

Some simple ways to support a friend who’s struggling include:

Starting a conversation can feel awkward, but it’s easier than you think. Stick to the facts. Don’t judge and try not to make assumptions.

 - Relax, you’re not expected to come up with an instant solution. Just really listen to what they have to say. Even if you don’t understand what they’re going through, accept that it’s very real to them. Just let them know you’re there for them and you’re happy to listen.

– When they’ve finished telling you about what’s going on, try asking how you can help. If they don’t know, try asking “Do you need a hug, do you need me to help you find a solution or do you need to just chill out together and forget about it for a while?”

Check in to see if they want to do anything with you

 - You could do something active, go get food, play video games or go and sit at the beach. Remember it’s also okay to do nothing- chilling out with no expectations is all good.

- It’s good to try to understand what your friend is going through, but it’s important to also understand that their experience is their own and right now they need to process it. Try to do your best not to butt in and take over their experiences with your own story.

If you’re concerned about a friend, one of the most important things you can do is encourage them to get professional mental health support. If you know they might be open to do this but might need some extra support, you may even be able to offer to accompany them as their support person, if you have capacity and you feel that your own safety won’t be at risk by doing so. Check out 

 for free and affordable ways you and your friends can get in touch with a mental health professional.

to talk to someone who cares and can support you. 

If you believe a friend may be thinking about harming themselves, call 

 if it's happening right now, or check out 

 for support if they're safe right now and you need advice.

Does a friend seem really down lately? Is someone you care about struggling, and you’re unsure how to help? It can be hard to know what to do when a friend is going through a tough time. They might be having troubles at school, facing whānau issues, going through a breakup or struggling with something else completely. 


Seeing a friend struggle can be tough, but you can make a difference. Discover practical tips and tools for supporting a friend through a tough time with The Lowdown Aotearoa.

How to Support a Friend | The Lowdown Aotearoa 

Supporting a Friend

Grief can be a painful process. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

#Grief

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