The Lowdown

In 'ii - The Vessel', Laith Alawneh speaks to the whanaungatanga we hold with our whānau, our mātua and our tīpuna, and how our relationships with our loved ones evolve with us as we grow.

Laith is 17 and resides in Tāmaki Makaurau. 

In 'ii - The Vessel', Laith Alawneh speaks to the whanaungatanga we hold with our whānau, our mātua and our tīpuna, and how our relationships with our loved ones evolve with us as we grow.

ii - The Vessel - Laith Alawneh | The Lowdown Aotearoa

ii - The Vessel - Laith Alawneh

Family is a body
a vessel of life
each vein and artery plays a part
with each breath taken
love courses through your vessel
reminding you of who truly loves you
from the day of conceivement 
you were the heart

and your mother’s love flowed through you all the time
you used the wisdom 
that has been passed down through 
generations of warriors to guide you
touch, you learnt your fathers touch in his absence
knowing that it’s okay to be gentle

and you can plaster his pain across your skin but the body finds a way to heal itself
you learn to appreciate his absence
as he has gifted you life, and passed on your mind

as your mother births again, 
she cannot flow her love to you all the time, 

                it would be selfish of her

so your siblings lay in the hand of your vessel 
they help steer through the stormiest nights 
but sometimes they need you to take charge
so you cut them, so they can regrow into a better version of themselves

we take a lot of first breaths: shock, fear, excitement
with the conceivement of your own
the breath you take when you see them
opens your airways to a new dimension 
they become the heart of your vessel
and you breath for them, without them life can not be lived

as time continues
your mother will no longer be able to flow love through your heart 
and slowly the vessel collapses
but you live on in your son’s vessel
and if any part of your vessel is missing, the vessel will collapse
and that’s how life is


Manutioriori smiling in front of a teal background with Māori designs on it, she's designed as an anime character inspired by Katara from Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Talking to your parents/carers might be scary, but for Manutioriori, telling someone about how she was feeling was a big relief. 

Discover how Manutioriori found relief and support by opening up to her parents about her feelings. her story serves as a reminder that you are not alone in your struggles and seeking help is a brave step towards healing. 

Manutioriori's Story Part 2 | The Lowdown Aotearoa 

Manutioriori's Story - Part 2

Opening up to my mum about how I felt was a struggle. 
I was scared she wouldn’t know what to do with me or what to say. 
I even thought she would push it all away and tell me to just harden up. 
I usually would just like bottle it up 
Like to me showing grief or sadness, I thought it was weak. 
My grandfather was like a very strong man. 
Yeah I didn’t want to show my weakness to other people. 
Yeah, I just wanted to be strong like him 

I wouldn’t say that she had completely shut down and we weren’t having any conversations.
But there were more regular conversations that were ‘I can’t talk to you about it, I can’t explain how I’m feeling'; I can only tell you what I’m feeling’. 
No matter what tactics I tried, and it’s not like I have a basket full of tactics.
So the tactics that I had, as I was trying them out, that was all I was getting. 
She just couldn’t explain what was going on; it was just ‘I’m feeling this, I can’t talk to you about it anymore’.

Mum made me join the mental health course at Te Kaha O Te Rangatahi, where I met Matt. 
Initially, I didn’t want to do the course because I thought they would be like therapy sessions.
The sessions were filled with laughter and just straight vibes. 
It was a great experience. 
The most important thing I learnt from the course is that not all mental health programmes are negative, just like they are in films. 
It was nice to open up to a group of strangers. 
It was also nice to hear the boys in our group open up, because it is not often that you see or hear boys open up about their mental health. 


The first thing I would say that I noticed is that she started talking more. 
She wasn’t hiding as much in her room. 
I wouldn’t say we went from her not talking to instantly she was telling me everything, but it was small steps, you know. 
She could explain to me slowly why she was feeling the way that she was or she was talking to me about things that she would talk about in the sessions with Matt you know. 
That was sort of the biggest thing was that she started talking and started opening up.

I was scared I might do something to myself so I started so I started properly talking to my mum about how I felt and telling her if I was having a bad day and needed space. 
We of course talked about the bad days I was having and it felt nice to be able to talk to my mum about my mental health and just ranting to her, doing this created a well-needed bond with her.
I was tired of not talking to someone so it was good to finally have someone that I know won’t judge me. 
I remember there was this one time me and my sisters were really struggling after he’d passed and we were upset at my grandfather.

My mum decided to pack us all up and we went off to Taupiri to go yell at him because that was a coping thing for us. 
We couldn‘t physically yell at him but it was still a bit therapeutic sitting there just yelling at him in our heads. 
At one point when we were there I felt like he was there with us it felt like his presence was there and that was really nice.
I’m still working on my mental health but I’m pretty sure everyone is the same. 
My relationship with my mum is so much better than it used to be. 
My relationship with my brother and family grew stronger throughout this whole journey. 
I’ve started properly coping with my mental health. 
I also use photography as another way to cope and started watching anime. 

I think that she is doing really well. 
I mean, life is never perfect. 
Challenge is always going to come her way, but she talks about things. 
She’s like “oh mum what do you think I should do in this situation?” you know so we definitely talk. 
I’m really happy at the fact that she, so far, is comfortable to talk to me about anything that is going on in her brain. 
Whatever she feels is affecting her and changing the way that she’s feeling,
she’s comfortable enough to talk to me. 
And that’s a huge achievement compared to where she was before she started the programme and started her little journey. 

I was expecting her to like, um, push me away and not want to talk about it. 
But she was really open to talking more about it and making sure I was okay.
Mine and my mums relationship is way better than it used to be only because I talk to her more. 
My mum's like my best friend; I tell her everything. 

I think I haven’t got it down to a tee.
You know, I’m learning every day with every new problem that gets thrown at me. I’m learning. 
It feels good to be on the other side. 
One thing I probably wish I had have done better at the time would have been to talk to people about how I was feeling. 
As time has gone by, I suppose I’ve learnt that just as much as they’re learning from being born to walking and going to school, parents are learning too. 


A man in a Los Angeles cap and denim jacket sits in the centre of the screen, talking to the camera.

Mana Pasifika

Allister shares his powerful story of surviving tough times with his mental health and circumstances in his life.

All-star shares his powerful story of surviving tough times with his mental health and circumstances in his life. 

Mana Pasifika: Allister's Journey with Mental Health | The Lowdown Aotearoa 

Allister's Journey with Mental Health

I've been fortunate enough to pioneer hip hop dance in New Zealand
with Dziah Dance Crew
which was back in 2003
we were the first team to come back from
the Hip Hop Championships in Los Angeles at the time
Now we have like, 12, 13 crews going every single year,
which is, which is a bit of a buzz
but, at the time, we were just trying to make a name for ourselves
and very fortunate to go from Dziah to then start
our team that we have now, which is Prestige Dance Crew.
We got sponsored by Lee, by Nike
we got sponsored by Adidas for a few years
which was mind-blowing for a kid that dropped out of school
and I didn’t even have Adidas shoes myself
and now to be considered the All Blacks of dance in 2006
it was too much for myself.
We also didn’t have mentors at that time,
we were getting gigs left, right and centre
like, people wanting us here, which was really cool,
but we didn’t know what to do with it
I’m gutted, but I'm also about trusting in the process
and understanding that life takes you where
you need to go but,
in terms of capitalizing on that moment
I guess the learning for me was to understand
that, moving forward now,
but we've had to do lots of learning,
lots and lots and lots of learning.
I'm also a secondary teacher, been teaching out at
Manurewa High School for the last 5 years.
There’s been lots of like, in terms of just myself personally,
the wellbeing stuff, in terms of what I was going through
dance, what saved my life
without dance then I would have, I guess
been the stereotype, the stigma, the what everyone said,
what everyone says of South Auckland kids.
But fortunate that it didn’t happen, it didn’t go that way,
I stuck to dance,
I was fortunate enough to have the right people around me at the right times.
Its a difficult subject man, its difficult because,
everybody has their own personal view on it,
and just for myself like,
over the last 3 years I've been dealing with it intensely
so intense focus, really understanding it for myself
trying to unpack it, speaking to the people I need to that I need to speak that have,
the skillsets to be able to give me the frames and the understandings
but still a lot of it is you as an individual still kind of journeying through so,
thirty years of trauma for myself,
and I’m only 35, like three decades from when I was 5,
to now be 35, its, even though I was doing significant, cool, exciting things
inside I felt like I was in a jail,
inside I didn’t feel anyone cared,
inside I didn’t feel anyone loved,
but then I was purely on my own personal journey.
From physical, to mental, to sexual,
all of those sort of abusive behaviours that kind of happened to me was,
something that, really effected me as an individual,
I’m just grateful that there were other family members that,
even though they knew I was,
I was kind of crazy, I was going through like,
emotional rollercoasters, I was up and down as a kid,
I moved between so many different homes
because I was considered, crazy.
Dance came through, it helped, definitely saved my life
I'm just trying to focus on me so I can be, I guess, the best version
for my boys, for my wife, for my colleagues, for the teams I'm apart of,
You know, just to be on and so that people that see us
they understand that, yes we aren’t perfect,
but we can do whatever we want.
I just think if people can focus on the day,
especially if your in it, like if its raw, if its,
and you haven’t been able to speak to it,
talk to someone, definitely talk to someone,
reach out, speak to someone that’s close to you
to ask for help, for some organizations.
Please, that’s what I would offer, is to speak to someone.


A whānau of 3 together in the shape of a heart with Māori designs.

What does a positive whānau relationship look like?

In an ideal whānau relationship, your whānau would be your foundation of happiness and success, as a lot of your mental and physical well-being is based on these relationships. When you have strong, healthy whānau relationships you are able to experience feelings of connection, security and safety and they can ultimately lift you up.

Remember that it’s not a one-sided relationship either – try to make sure that you interact with your whānau with the same aroha, respect and acceptance that you need from them.

If you have a healthy, positive relationship with your whānau, they might:

Openly accept you for who you are and celebrate what makes you special

Have a positive impact on you, helping you to feel loved, respected, safe, secure and supported.

Keep open and honest communication between whānau members and continue to work on having good communication skills

Set clear and consistent boundaries that uphold respect and prioritise your safety

Seek healthy outlets for frustrations, conflict and worries, and communicate with each other if something is wrong

Celebrate your culture together in ways that enrich your life

It’s very common for whānau to struggle in some or even all of these areas. Struggling to do these things does not automatically make your whānau bad people or a toxic environment for you, but it is important to know what a positive relationship is and what’s not ok.

If your whānau goes through a big change, things might get really tough at times. Your relationships with whānau members may be a bit rocky or you may find yourself under pressure or struggling to communicate how you’re feeling or what you need from your loved ones. Most of these things are part of the ups and downs of whānau life, and it’s completely normal to have struggles, disagreements and arguments, and to go through times where your whānau make you feel a bit down. No whānau is perfect and that’s okay.

It’s important to remember that while your whānau are a central part of your life and deserve respect, you also deserve to have your voice heard. You are the expert on your own cultural values & upbringing and you know your whānau well.

Make sure that you look after your individual happiness by doing the things you love and taking time to care for yourself, and this will give you strength so that as you go about communicating and interacting with your whānau, you can make the right choices to protect everyone (including you), and help ensure that every word and thought you share is cloaked in aroha and grace.

In some cases, you may realise that the way your whānau is treating you is not ok. It can be incredibly hard to accept that the people you love are not being good to you, so it may help you to understand some of the red flags you should look out for.

A whānau member who is treating you in a way that’s not ok might do some of these things:

Tries to guilt trip, manipulate or control you

Hurts you or someone else physically, or touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable

Doesn’t respect your boundaries or what you have to say

Tells you that you’re not good enough or says hurtful and unkind things to you

Constantly fights or is in conflict with you or other whānau members

It’s important to know that all of these things are never ok and it’s not your fault.

If someone in your whānau is treating you in any of the above ways, it’s really important that you talk to someone about it. If you can, it might be a good choice to talk to your parents or caregivers but if they are the ones acting in this way or they don’t listen to you, talk to someone you trust outside of your whānau and ask them for help. If you haven’t got anyone to talk to, you can text, call or dm 

 to talk with someone who cares and can offer you support and advice. 

If your whānau need to make some changes, it can be a pretty tough thing to work through and that’s ok. You don’t have to address this until you’re ready and you can take as much time as you need.

If things are really bad and you feel worried for your safety, contact 

 or one of the support services listed at 

 – they have support systems that can help you leave an unsafe situation. 

To learn more about your rights and find rangatahi-specific support to leave home if you’re living in an unsafe situation, check out 

If someone is hurting you and you’re able to call the police, you need to call 111. If you’re scared to go to the police, call one of the support services listed above as soon as you can and ask them for help – most of the numbers are free to call and they will do everything they can to make sure you’re safe.

We’re just not getting along right now..

Even if what you’re facing isn’t that bad, dealing with rocky whānau relationships can be extremely hard. While you can’t control the way your whānau choose to behave toward you, you can choose how you support your own wellbeing moving forward.

This might include talking to your parents or caregivers about what you’re struggling with, asking the whānau group to strengthen communications and work together on resolutions, regularly catching up with someone you trust or a mental health professional to talk about what’s going on, or choosing to put some space between you and your whānau and spend less time with them.

If you want to talk to your whānau about what’s bothering you but you don’t know how or what to say, here are some tips to help you prepare:

– work out what you need to say and what the outcome you want is. This will help you figure out your key points. You can even bring your notes with you to the conversation if you think it will help you keep the conversation on track.

 - If you have a trusted friend you can talk to about what’s going on, ask them to rehearse the conversation with you and work out answers to how they might respond – otherwise going over it by yourself will help too!

 – don’t approach them while you’re feeling super emotional about what you’re addressing, instead wait until you’ve had some time to process it and both you and them are not too tired, stressed or grumpy. It might take a while to figure out the perfect moment and that’s ok – you don’t need to rush it.

If you’re feeling anxious embarrassed or scared of upsetting them, let them know that

 – it gives them a heads up that you need them to go easy on you in their response. You could say “I’ve got something I want to talk to you about, but I’m worried you might be upset with me. Is this a good time to talk about it?”

Use your words in a way that doesn’t start with “You did this” but instead starts with “I feel this”, so that they aren’t immediately feeling defensive.

For example, instead of saying “Lately you’ve really been talking down to me and it’s making me feel bad about myself” you could say “I’m really struggling at the moment with how I feel about myself, and when you said I was being an idiot the other day, it really impacted how I was feeling.”

Let them know what you need from them. Do you need them to give you support, or to communicate more with them? Are you asking for a change in the whānau relationship, or do you need them to stop doing something that you think is not ok? Once you’ve told them how you’re feeling, be clear and honest with them about what the outcome is that you need.

Have a support person. If you have a trusted whānau member who can come into the conversation with you, that’s a really good idea, but if not, ask a trusted friend to be available for you to talk to and vent out any frustrations after the conversation is over.

Remember the conversation may not go well, but it’s a start. You’ve identified that something is wrong and you’ve let them know that it’s not ok or that you need a change. If they don’t react well, give it some time, see how things go and reassess whether you need to try addressing it again in a different way.

Whānau can mean different things for different people. Sometimes if things don’t get better and you have to make that choice to distance yourself from your whānau, you may find that over time you can create a new chosen whānau of people who genuinely love and support you. Whatever happens, you are worthy of love and respect and you have the right to feel safe in your whānau situation.

Whatever choices you make and struggles you face, just know that you’ve got this, that communication and a willingness to work together fixes many problems and that you are worthy of love and respect.

If you’re thinking about harming yourself or are having suicidal thoughts, 

to talk to someone who cares and can support you.

For some of us, our whānau is defined by our whakapapa and the connections we hold. For others, your whānau is the people and the place that you feel that you belong to, a part of your life that is deeply connected to your identity. Whānau relationships are different for everyone because they’re made up of unique individuals with different needs, personalities, opinions and ways of doing things. 

Whānau relationships are unique and can take many different forms. Learn more about with The Lowdown Aotearoa. 

Understanding Whānau | The Lowdown Aotearoa

Whānau

The relationships we have with our family can have a huge impact on our mental health and well-being. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

#Family

Tag list