A brick wall with graffiti bubble writing that has the words "dating" and "sex" repetitively. In the centre, overlayed on the top, are two hands being held. 

The Lowdown

Dating can look very different depending on who you are, what you want from it and who you’re seeing. Maybe you just want to go out with some interesting people and have fun, or maybe you want a relationship. You could be looking to find ‘the one’, or you might be interested in seeing more than one person. Maybe you’re having sex, or perhaps you’re not interested or not ready yet. Maybe you haven’t yet dated anyone and don’t know where to start. Perhaps the idea of dating is not interesting to you, or your only interest is in romantic feelings you have with people you get to know well. All of these things are normal and okay.

Regardless of what your dating life looks like, all relationships and sexual encounters you take part in should be based around respect, consent and enjoyment for yourself and the person or people you’re seeing.

All relationships exist on a spectrum that runs from healthy, happy and respectful at one end, through to toxic and/or abusive at the other end. It’s important to know what to look for in a partner who will appreciate and respect who you are and have things in common with you, to make sure you’re forming healthy relationships.

When you’re in a healthy relationship, you and your partner(s) should:

Are able to openly and honestly communicate without being afraid of your partner’s reaction

Have set boundaries that are mutually respected, like understanding that you need to spend time with whānau or friends, or respecting that some things are off limits for you.

Have things in common that help you to connect and enjoy quality time together.

Do not attempt to manipulate or control your partner

Sometimes when you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you can be so used to it that it can be difficult to identify and acknowledge the 

 that are there. If you think your relationship might be bad for you, the best thing you can do is to talk to someone you trust about the struggles you’re facing and ask their advice. If you’re not sure what an unhealthy relationship might look like, here are some red flags to watch out for:

You’re not able to communicate how you feel when a problem arises without an argument or being told you’re wrong.

You feel controlled or like your partner has isolated you from your friends and family

Your partner doesn’t care about your feelings

Your partner doesn’t respect your preferences in contraception/safe sex

It's never okay for your partner to hit you, but it's important to understand that physical violence isn't the only sign of an abusive or unhealthy relationship.

In an abusive relationship, you might experience one or more of the following things:

Physical abuse – If your partner has hit, choked or thrown objects at you, pushed you around or maybe done smaller things like twisting your arm or pinching you. Even if they’ve only done it once, this is still abuse.

Emotional, verbal and psychological abuse – There are many forms of abuse that impact you emotionally or psychologically, or use words to hurt you. This might include: Calling you names. Acting jealous or possessive or isolating you from family or friends. Telling you that everything is your fault. Making you believe that everything you do is not good enough. Saying things that they know will hurt you. Making you believe that you’re exaggerating and it’s not that bad, or that other people will think you’re a bad person if they know the ‘truth’ about you. Making you believe that the bad things they do are because you’re a bad partner.

Sexual abuse – Having sex with you or touching your body without your consent. Making you feel like it’s your duty as their partner to have sex with them, or telling you that consent doesn’t apply because you’re in a relationship. Forcing or pressuring you to do things sexually that you don’t want to do.

It’s important to know that all of these things are never ok and it’s not your fault

. You are worthy of respect and you do not deserve to be treated in any of these ways.

If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, you might be confused or scared of what will happen if you leave or tell other people what’s happening to you. You might think that it’s easier to stay than to face any struggles you might end up in if you leave. You also might still really love the person who’s abusing you. This is all normal. It’s important to know that life will get better if you leave, even if you have to face some tough times and heartbreak first.

 or one of the support services listed at 

 – they have support systems that can help you leave an unsafe situation. Alternatively, talk to someone you trust who has no connections to your abuser and ask them for help. 

If someone is hurting you and you’re able to call the police, you need to call 111. If you’re scared to go to the police, call one of the support services listed above as soon as you can and ask them for help – most of the numbers are free to call and they will do everything they can to make sure you’re safe.

It’s important to note that sometimes the person you talk to may not offer you the help and support you need, but don’t give up there. Try again with someone else – you are important and just because someone doesn’t listen or give you the help you need doesn’t mean what you’re facing isn’t real.

Sex is supposed to be fun and pleasurable for both you and your partner, but sometimes, especially when you’re young, you may struggle to know how to communicate what you enjoy and what doesn’t make you feel good. You 

 to do anything you don’t want to, and it’s important that you and those you have sex with communicate about what you want and have a good understanding of consent and safety.

You can find super easy explanations of consent 

 but let us break it down for you quickly.

Before you have sex or get intimate (kissing, touching etc.) with anyone, you need to have a conversation about consent, when you take a moment to check in with each other and make sure everyone involved is keen to do this. 

If it isn’t an enthusiastic “Yes!”, it’s a no.

If you don’t get a clear yes, you need to back off, give the person some space and ask them if they want to talk about how they’re feeling. If you don’t feel sure about whether you want to have sex or not, ask them to slow things down, pause and take some time out or talk a while before you make your decision.

If everyone involved says yes but then one of you doesn’t feel good during the encounter or doesn’t want to do something, you need to pause things so you can check if everyone involved wants to continue or someone wants to stop.

Remember, you have the right to change your mind and stop things at any point if you’re not feeling good.

It’s also important to make sure that you’re having safer sex. Using a condom protects against STIs and ensures that you do your part to protect your sexual partners against pregnancy and/or infection. Regardless of whether you’re capable of pregnancy, using the contraception available for your own body means that protection against STIs is in your own control and nobody you have sex with can mess that up.

For information on safe sex, contraception and heaps of sexual health advice, check out the 

 website. You can also book an appointment to talk about what you need and access free or subsidised contraception.

To join the conversation about sexual health in Pacific communities, head to 

If you have recognised any abusive behaviours in yourself and you want to change, you are absolutely capable of doing this, but it’s a lot easier if you get help. There are different services available to help you depending on where you live, so have a look online (search for Stopping Violence Services + your area), ask a trusted adult to help you find support or call Stopping Violence Services on 

If you’re thinking about harming yourself or are having suicidal thoughts, 

to talk to someone who cares and can support you.

The topic of dating & sex is a big one, and it’s totally normal to have questions about it all. Who you are in a relationship is a whole new aspect of your identity to explore and define.

Dating and Sex

At some stage in your life, you'll have to make important decisions around the topic of sex and that can be daunting. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Want to build and care for your mental health and well-being through Pasifika approaches? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Grief can be a painful process. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Your mental health is essential to your overall well-being and is just as important as your physical health. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Finding school tough? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Want to learn to build and care for your hauora through Te Ao Māori approaches? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Who you are and what you think about yourself has a big impact on the way you feel about life. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

It's normal to feel anxious sometimes. But if you're finding it hard to cope, find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown. 

Want to learn more about depression and mental distress? Find support, connect and learn at The Lowdown.

It can be difficult to identify and express thoughts and feelings. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Expression through creativity can have a positive impact on your mental health and well-being. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Bullying in any form can take a huge toll on your mental and physical well-being. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown. 

Coping with stress can be overwhelming especially for a young person. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Friendships can have a big impact on your mental health and well-being, but they're not always easy to create or maintain. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Dealing with loss can be one of life's hardest challenges. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Struggling to manage your anger? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown. 

Culture is not just a word but a sense of being. Need help supporting your mental health? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Supporting others can be very powerful for both parties involved. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Finding it hard to relieve your sadness? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown. 

In today's world, it can be easy to become overwhelmed. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

If you're having suicidal thoughts, you need to seek help now. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Troubled by constant worries and need tips to help stay calm? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

The relationships we have with our family can have a huge impact on mental health and well-being. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Here's a list of content based around the topic of tough times at The Lowdown.

Your ability to connect with others in a healthy way plays an important part in your mental health and well-being. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Abuse is never OK and there are no excuses for it. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Pressure can come in many forms, but with support we can get through the tough times. Find support, connect and learn at The Lowdown.

Having study trouble? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Life has its ups and it also has its downs. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

The relationships we have with our whānau can have a huge impact on mental health and well-being. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Staying well is vital for your mental health and well-being. Struggling? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

If guilt isn't addressed, it's unlikely to go away. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Spoken Word is a great medium to deal with 'these feelings' you might be having. Find support, connect and learn more on the Lowdown.

Death is a certainty in life, though it doesn't mean you'll ever be prepared to deal with it. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

The topic of stigma around mental health can often lead to feelings of shame. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Struggling with your mental health? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Coping with a breakup can be rough. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Youth often don't get the mental health support they need because they don't know where to start. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Having a supportive community can help make a positive impact on your mental health and well-being. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Relationships often require a lot of work to grow and can be quite complicated at times. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Feeling lost? You are not alone in these feelings. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Starting a new school? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Navigating the dating world? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown

Want to know more about body dysmorphia? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown. 

Work troubles getting you down, or need tips around getting into the workforce? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Need help with body positivity thinking? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Your ability to connect with others plays an important part in mental health and  well-being. If you're struggling with unhealthy relationships, find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Struggling with how you feel about your body weight? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Want to learn more about eating disorders like anorexia? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Need support relating to drug use or just want to know more about safe choices? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Want to know more about phobias and anxiety? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Learning about someone else's lived experience might help you gain the information you need. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Disabilities can impact our lives in many ways. Find support, connect and learn at The Lowdown.

Dance is a way to express difficult thoughts and feelings you might be experiencing. Find support, connect and learn more on the Lowdown.

Want to learn more about neurodiversity? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown. 

Is money making you stressed and anxious? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Coping with shock can be a difficult process. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Want to learn more about orientation? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Need support relating to alcohol use or just want to know more about safe choices? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

The relationships we have with our aiga can have a huge impact on mental health and well-being. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Gender isn't a label, it's a fluid and beautiful piece of our identity. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Want to learn more about eating disorders like bulimia? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

No matter what you're experiencing in your relation to your sexuality, there is no need to go through it alone. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Pregnancy can be exciting and scary at the same time. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Living with social anxiety may have a tough effect on your life, but it doesn't have to. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Want to know more about consent and the role it plays in keeping us safe? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Want to learn more about gender identities such as transgender? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Antidepressants are medications prescribed by doctors to help treat depression. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Has COVID-19 impacted your life? Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

One of the most important aspects of recovery is learning to keep yourself mentally and physically healthy. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

Understanding body image plays an important part in a young person's developing self-esteem. Find support, connect and learn on the Lowdown.

#Sex

Tag list