A whānau of 3 together in the shape of a heart with Māori designs.

The Lowdown

What does a positive whānau relationship look like?

In an ideal whānau relationship, your whānau would be your foundation of happiness and success, as a lot of your mental and physical well-being is based on these relationships. When you have strong, healthy whānau relationships you are able to experience feelings of connection, security and safety and they can ultimately lift you up.

Remember that it’s not a one-sided relationship either – try to make sure that you interact with your whānau with the same aroha, respect and acceptance that you need from them.

If you have a healthy, positive relationship with your whānau, they might:

Openly accept you for who you are and celebrate what makes you special

Have a positive impact on you, helping you to feel loved, respected, safe, secure and supported.

Keep open and honest communication between whānau members and continue to work on having good communication skills

Set clear and consistent boundaries that uphold respect and prioritise your safety

Seek healthy outlets for frustrations, conflict and worries, and communicate with each other if something is wrong

Celebrate your culture together in ways that enrich your life

It’s very common for whānau to struggle in some or even all of these areas. Struggling to do these things does not automatically make your whānau bad people or a toxic environment for you, but it is important to know what a positive relationship is and what’s not ok.

If your whānau goes through a big change, things might get really tough at times. Your relationships with whānau members may be a bit rocky or you may find yourself under pressure or struggling to communicate how you’re feeling or what you need from your loved ones. Most of these things are part of the ups and downs of whānau life, and it’s completely normal to have struggles, disagreements and arguments, and to go through times where your whānau make you feel a bit down. No whānau is perfect and that’s okay.

It’s important to remember that while your whānau are a central part of your life and deserve respect, you also deserve to have your voice heard. You are the expert on your own cultural values & upbringing and you know your whānau well.

Make sure that you look after your individual happiness by doing the things you love and taking time to care for yourself, and this will give you strength so that as you go about communicating and interacting with your whānau, you can make the right choices to protect everyone (including you), and help ensure that every word and thought you share is cloaked in aroha and grace.

In some cases, you may realise that the way your whānau is treating you is not ok. It can be incredibly hard to accept that the people you love are not being good to you, so it may help you to understand some of the red flags you should look out for.

A whānau member who is treating you in a way that’s not ok might do some of these things:

Tries to guilt trip, manipulate or control you

Hurts you or someone else physically, or touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable

Doesn’t respect your boundaries or what you have to say

Tells you that you’re not good enough or says hurtful and unkind things to you

Constantly fights or is in conflict with you or other whānau members

It’s important to know that all of these things are never ok and it’s not your fault.

If someone in your whānau is treating you in any of the above ways, it’s really important that you talk to someone about it. If you can, it might be a good choice to talk to your parents or caregivers but if they are the ones acting in this way or they don’t listen to you, talk to someone you trust outside of your whānau and ask them for help. If you haven’t got anyone to talk to, you can text, call or dm 

 to talk with someone who cares and can offer you support and advice. 

If your whānau need to make some changes, it can be a pretty tough thing to work through and that’s ok. You don’t have to address this until you’re ready and you can take as much time as you need.

If things are really bad and you feel worried for your safety, contact 

 or one of the support services listed at 

 – they have support systems that can help you leave an unsafe situation. 

To learn more about your rights and find rangatahi-specific support to leave home if you’re living in an unsafe situation, check out 

https://youthlaw.co.nz/rights/home-family/leaving-home/

If someone is hurting you and you’re able to call the police, you need to call 111. If you’re scared to go to the police, call one of the support services listed above as soon as you can and ask them for help – most of the numbers are free to call and they will do everything they can to make sure you’re safe.

We’re just not getting along right now..

Even if what you’re facing isn’t that bad, dealing with rocky whānau relationships can be extremely hard. While you can’t control the way your whānau choose to behave toward you, you can choose how you support your own wellbeing moving forward.

This might include talking to your parents or caregivers about what you’re struggling with, asking the whānau group to strengthen communications and work together on resolutions, regularly catching up with someone you trust or a mental health professional to talk about what’s going on, or choosing to put some space between you and your whānau and spend less time with them.

If you want to talk to your whānau about what’s bothering you but you don’t know how or what to say, here are some tips to help you prepare:

– work out what you need to say and what the outcome you want is. This will help you figure out your key points. You can even bring your notes with you to the conversation if you think it will help you keep the conversation on track.

 - If you have a trusted friend you can talk to about what’s going on, ask them to rehearse the conversation with you and work out answers to how they might respond – otherwise going over it by yourself will help too!

 – don’t approach them while you’re feeling super emotional about what you’re addressing, instead wait until you’ve had some time to process it and both you and them are not too tired, stressed or grumpy. It might take a while to figure out the perfect moment and that’s ok – you don’t need to rush it.

If you’re feeling anxious embarrassed or scared of upsetting them, let them know that

 – it gives them a heads up that you need them to go easy on you in their response. You could say “I’ve got something I want to talk to you about, but I’m worried you might be upset with me. Is this a good time to talk about it?”

Use your words in a way that doesn’t start with “You did this” but instead starts with “I feel this”, so that they aren’t immediately feeling defensive.

For example, instead of saying “Lately you’ve really been talking down to me and it’s making me feel bad about myself” you could say “I’m really struggling at the moment with how I feel about myself, and when you said I was being an idiot the other day, it really impacted how I was feeling.”

Let them know what you need from them. Do you need them to give you support, or to communicate more with them? Are you asking for a change in the whānau relationship, or do you need them to stop doing something that you think is not ok? Once you’ve told them how you’re feeling, be clear and honest with them about what the outcome is that you need.

Have a support person. If you have a trusted whānau member who can come into the conversation with you, that’s a really good idea, but if not, ask a trusted friend to be available for you to talk to and vent out any frustrations after the conversation is over.

Remember the conversation may not go well, but it’s a start. You’ve identified that something is wrong and you’ve let them know that it’s not ok or that you need a change. If they don’t react well, give it some time, see how things go and reassess whether you need to try addressing it again in a different way.

Whānau can mean different things for different people. Sometimes if things don’t get better and you have to make that choice to distance yourself from your whānau, you may find that over time you can create a new chosen whānau of people who genuinely love and support you. Whatever happens, you are worthy of love and respect and you have the right to feel safe in your whānau situation.

Whatever choices you make and struggles you face, just know that you’ve got this, that communication and a willingness to work together fixes many problems and that you are worthy of love and respect.

If you’re thinking about harming yourself or are having suicidal thoughts, 

to talk to someone who cares and can support you.

For some of us, our whānau is defined by our whakapapa and the connections we hold. For others, your whānau is the people and the place that you feel that you belong to, a part of your life that is deeply connected to your identity. Whānau relationships are different for everyone because they’re made up of unique individuals with different needs, personalities, opinions and ways of doing things. 

Whānau

A brick wall with graffiti bubble writing that has the words "dating" and "sex" repetitively. In the centre, overlayed on the top, are two hands being held. 

Dating can look very different depending on who you are, what you want from it and who you’re seeing. Maybe you just want to go out with some interesting people and have fun, or maybe you want a relationship. You could be looking to find ‘the one’, or you might be interested in seeing more than one person. Maybe you’re having sex, or perhaps you’re not interested or not ready yet. Maybe you haven’t yet dated anyone and don’t know where to start. Perhaps the idea of dating is not interesting to you, or your only interest is in romantic feelings you have with people you get to know well. All of these things are normal and okay.

Regardless of what your dating life looks like, all relationships and sexual encounters you take part in should be based around respect, consent and enjoyment for yourself and the person or people you’re seeing.

All relationships exist on a spectrum that runs from healthy, happy and respectful at one end, through to toxic and/or abusive at the other end. It’s important to know what to look for in a partner who will appreciate and respect who you are and have things in common with you, to make sure you’re forming healthy relationships.

When you’re in a healthy relationship, you and your partner(s) should:

Are able to openly and honestly communicate without being afraid of your partner’s reaction

Have set boundaries that are mutually respected, like understanding that you need to spend time with whānau or friends, or respecting that some things are off limits for you.

Have things in common that help you to connect and enjoy quality time together.

Do not attempt to manipulate or control your partner

Sometimes when you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you can be so used to it that it can be difficult to identify and acknowledge the 

 that are there. If you think your relationship might be bad for you, the best thing you can do is to talk to someone you trust about the struggles you’re facing and ask their advice. If you’re not sure what an unhealthy relationship might look like, here are some red flags to watch out for:

You’re not able to communicate how you feel when a problem arises without an argument or being told you’re wrong.

You feel controlled or like your partner has isolated you from your friends and family

Your partner doesn’t care about your feelings

Your partner doesn’t respect your preferences in contraception/safe sex

It's never okay for your partner to hit you, but it's important to understand that physical violence isn't the only sign of an abusive or unhealthy relationship.

In an abusive relationship, you might experience one or more of the following things:

Physical abuse – If your partner has hit, choked or thrown objects at you, pushed you around or maybe done smaller things like twisting your arm or pinching you. Even if they’ve only done it once, this is still abuse.

Emotional, verbal and psychological abuse – There are many forms of abuse that impact you emotionally or psychologically, or use words to hurt you. This might include: Calling you names. Acting jealous or possessive or isolating you from family or friends. Telling you that everything is your fault. Making you believe that everything you do is not good enough. Saying things that they know will hurt you. Making you believe that you’re exaggerating and it’s not that bad, or that other people will think you’re a bad person if they know the ‘truth’ about you. Making you believe that the bad things they do are because you’re a bad partner.

Sexual abuse – Having sex with you or touching your body without your consent. Making you feel like it’s your duty as their partner to have sex with them, or telling you that consent doesn’t apply because you’re in a relationship. Forcing or pressuring you to do things sexually that you don’t want to do.

It’s important to know that all of these things are never ok and it’s not your fault

. You are worthy of respect and you do not deserve to be treated in any of these ways.

If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, you might be confused or scared of what will happen if you leave or tell other people what’s happening to you. You might think that it’s easier to stay than to face any struggles you might end up in if you leave. You also might still really love the person who’s abusing you. This is all normal. It’s important to know that life will get better if you leave, even if you have to face some tough times and heartbreak first.

 – they have support systems that can help you leave an unsafe situation. Alternatively, talk to someone you trust who has no connections to your abuser and ask them for help. 

It’s important to note that sometimes the person you talk to may not offer you the help and support you need, but don’t give up there. Try again with someone else – you are important and just because someone doesn’t listen or give you the help you need doesn’t mean what you’re facing isn’t real.

Sex is supposed to be fun and pleasurable for both you and your partner, but sometimes, especially when you’re young, you may struggle to know how to communicate what you enjoy and what doesn’t make you feel good. You 

 to do anything you don’t want to, and it’s important that you and those you have sex with communicate about what you want and have a good understanding of consent and safety.

You can find super easy explanations of consent 

 but let us break it down for you quickly.

Before you have sex or get intimate (kissing, touching etc.) with anyone, you need to have a conversation about consent, when you take a moment to check in with each other and make sure everyone involved is keen to do this. 

If it isn’t an enthusiastic “Yes!”, it’s a no.

If you don’t get a clear yes, you need to back off, give the person some space and ask them if they want to talk about how they’re feeling. If you don’t feel sure about whether you want to have sex or not, ask them to slow things down, pause and take some time out or talk a while before you make your decision.

If everyone involved says yes but then one of you doesn’t feel good during the encounter or doesn’t want to do something, you need to pause things so you can check if everyone involved wants to continue or someone wants to stop.

Remember, you have the right to change your mind and stop things at any point if you’re not feeling good.

It’s also important to make sure that you’re having safer sex. Using a condom protects against STIs and ensures that you do your part to protect your sexual partners against pregnancy and/or infection. Regardless of whether you’re capable of pregnancy, using the contraception available for your own body means that protection against STIs is in your own control and nobody you have sex with can mess that up.

For information on safe sex, contraception and heaps of sexual health advice, check out the 

 website. You can also book an appointment to talk about what you need and access free or subsidised contraception.

To join the conversation about sexual health in Pacific communities, head to 

If you have recognised any abusive behaviours in yourself and you want to change, you are absolutely capable of doing this, but it’s a lot easier if you get help. There are different services available to help you depending on where you live, so have a look online (search for Stopping Violence Services + your area), ask a trusted adult to help you find support or call Stopping Violence Services on 

The topic of dating & sex is a big one, and it’s totally normal to have questions about it all. Who you are in a relationship is a whole new aspect of your identity to explore and define.

Dating and Sex

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