juanita_la >> 01/08/2010 10:09pm
I feel so selfish having these feelings when I know there are people, animals and nature itself in worse off situations than me. I have everything going for me, I'm currently studying at uni, I'm in a relationship of nearly two years and I'm in absolute love with my baby, I work part time and I have family that surrounds me everywhere. Everything is amazing and some days I feel extatic with excitement and happiness, but then... it comes, this overpowering blanket of evil negativity. And, within this cloud of pesermism it sucks me up and pains me to remember all the things in the past and demolishes all that ever felt like a complete, content feeling.
I had some emotional, physical and mental difficulty growing up from both parents, and I went through some dark periods. Anyway time has watched me grow and become more my own person, I should be fantastic right?
But... I hurt and when I hurt I feel so alone. I think of everyone around me and I know how much they love me, but there is nobody who unconditionally loves me that was ment for me. Mum and dad have their own families and all my aunties and uncles have their own families and children. And now in my prime I feel i am most constraned from truly growing independently. I stive to live for everything and everyone else. But I am constantly judging myself hoping that 'they' don't hate me or think I'm stupid or the main one, who is there to just wrap there arms around me and tell me that everything will be ok and that they love me no matte what. I feel like a disappointment. My boyfriend, who I love so much, really admitted today that this constant struggle I have is holding him back and he feels locked in with my emotions. My parents were meant to be there for me they were meant to make sure that I wasn't hurting before they decided that their lives were the most important thing.
My father should have chosen me over his stupid wife and he shouldn't have lied to me just to make the situation easier for him and better for her.
My mother should have told me that she was there for me rather than telling me she has problems as well.
I hate them because now they are trying to act like everything this peachy, when they never stopped once to make sure my mentality was straight, was ok and was loved inside. I hate them because I see my self as an amazing being but they way I feel about myself is hopelessness, disgust, failure, deceitful, selfish and worthless.
I am having trouble with forgetting these memories and I don't know what to do when I feel like this. It comes back and it goes away when I feel I have made a contribution to the world, Please help me, please tell me how to rid my body, my soul of this evil hatred. I despies it and as much as I do I despies myself.
juanita_la >> 04/08/2010 10:17pm
Thank you for commenting. Yea I think it is exactly that, haunted by my past. My mum and dad are the two 'figures' so to speak that were meant to be there for me whilst growing up and because they did love me but my mum she toyed with my emotional mentality because she hated me for wanting to live with dad and she had problems of her own(mum and dad separated when I was 3) and dad was my everything and he said he loved the most in the world but chose his wife over me when mum finally let me live with him when I was 15 but then I had leave home.
I feel betrayed by both of them, but they are both to consumed with their own lives to stop and recognise me and if I am ok, mind you I have not told them (since this is a new realization) everything has moved so fast, I feel I haven't been able to get over all of this properly.
Anyway thank you, you helped me think more in a different way... night
Jay_JWLH >> 04/08/2010 2:10pm
Yes, I will admit that some people and other creatures have it worse off, but just remember that this is no reason to neglect yourself. This isn't a competition. If you are having a hard time, you don't need to go quiet about it. Everyone deserves help.
In fact I really don't find your predicament too unusual. You have all these people who feel like they care about you, but like I tend to do, my emotional state is something that I keep to myself.... hidden from family. But you may be surprised by how at least one of your family might be right there to talk to if you need to be understood. As for your BF, I can understand where he is coming from. I think he wants to be there for you, but just to be honest and realistic here, he isn't exactly trained on how help you through this. He can give his best advice, and he can be there for you though, which is great. You can definitely love and appreciate him for that.
I think it sounds as if you are being haunted by memories you have of your past. You should really arrange to have a talk with a therapist to work through this. Of course there might come some shock to the family, having this come out of nowhere for them. But whether you decide to keep it under wraps from them or not, I think you should do it.
I realize I haven't really said much, so feel free to reply back on here if you want.
