Mandy93 >> 24/08/2010 12:05pm
I have been bought up in a loving family-my friends look at me and think my life is perfect: nice family, bf, friends with all the "right" people, nice house etc. My friends tell me that i am always bubbly, really funny and love being around me. But the truth is, I cry myself to sleep nearly every night. Its like a real of all my hates play over and over again in my head. I dread going to school because I feel that im the weakest in all my classes. I pass some things, but only just. The past two days I have pretended to be sick so i dont have to face school. ive sorta told my bf about it but i cant help but feel guilty that he has my "problems" burdened on him. I forever feel useless, hopeless and that im going to get nowhere in life.
I hate school because it is the last chance i get at trying to make something of my life. If i make mistakes at school its sets me up to fail at life. I hate failing and I do it all the time-even when I try. So nothing seems worth it. I think about dropping out all the time and just working even though i want to work in radio and I have to go through university in order to get there
I HATE MYSELF. Mainly because i am not smart. all my friends get excellence and think that merit is really really bad. I would love to get merit. And i wish i could look down on that grade as well. I hate myself because i am bad at school. I hate myself because i am tall. I hate myself because i have no car-it was given to me by my grandad and then the head gasket blew and i feel so much guil. I hate my body. I hate my body because i have big hips. I hate my teeth they don’t match up. I hate my lips as well. I hate not being and sadness. I hate not knowing things. I hate getting NA and A. I hate excersing heaps and i hate that i am going to be the worst in my class for pe. I hate being the worst person in every class at school. I hate having big feet. I hate my neck and cheeks and how they are always red. I think i have depression but im to scared to talk to mum about because she will tell me to stop being stupid and deny it and then i will feel bad if i tell her because then-i am a disappointment. I always feel hopeless, like a failure, that i cant do anything right, that im usless. I feel sorry for my bf that he has to put up with me, he must be embaressed that im not as smart as him, his friends and his friends girlfriends. His parents always ask me how im doing at school and i lie and say its going great and that im going good at school because im embarrassed of myself. ,I hate that i have brown hair. I’m to scared and embaressd to tell anyone.
Im not sure where all this sadness started coming from but its been happening for about 2 or 3 weeks now. I dont drink anymore (I use to at parties but I just dont like to anymore to Ive stopped). None of my friends would have a clue about my sadness accept maybe my bf. Im down almost everyday and sometimes I just hit a low and its like I shutdown, and cry myself to sleep. It is really out of character.
Am I depressed? Help.
Jay_JWLH >> 24/08/2010 11:23pm
Hey and welcome.
If you have somebody close like a boyfriend in which you can trust, and can talk to, then I say go for it. I wouldn't go as far as suggesting he can be the answer to all your problems, in fact he might not help at all. But in the end, as long as he listens to you, you will feel more understood instead of keeping all your faults all bottled up inside. Just taking that risk and talking to somebody will make you feel heaps better.
You should not immediately jump to the conclusion that failure at school, means a failure in life. Some people are pretty smart, and some not so smart, but it doesn't always dictate where things end up in life. Don't give up on your dream so quickly either. There are things you can do now, and things you can do then, to make it possible to get into university. I say still give school a try until the very end, because this is a free education you don't want to miss out on. And once you leave to do your Radio studies, it will be of an entirely new and focused topic.
If you think you are having that much dificulty trying to get good grades, then I really encourage you to speak up about it. Maybe it seems like an embarassment to you to have to admit that you aren't doing so well, but by telling the truth and getting some more help you won't regret it. Feel pride in yourself for speaking up. If your parents are as responsible as mine were, they will hear you out and get you some help. It could only be extra homework advice, getting you an extra tutor to help you understand your work, or organising for a peer to help you out. Really awkward stuff for you, but very useful. In my case, my mum managed to find somebody to help guide me through my exam work when I was younger, and as I was older.
So much intense negativity on yourself there. You really should stop thinking all of those things. Nobody is perfect. In fact, look as great as you like, but you are always going to manage to find some way to put your appearance down. Keep focused on positive thoughts. Think about all the good things you have, even if it takes you an hour to figure out just one thing.
You are still pretty young by the sounds of it, so you should definately think of having your own car as more of a luxury. I never got around to even driving one until after I finished school, so I completely lost out on any chance of driving to school. I always had to walk back and forth from home, during breaks as well. Then I drove the family car. And after that I spent so much time looking for a car that I had saved up enough money to buy a pretty reasonable one which I drive today. In fact, looking back on your situation, at least you don't have the hassle of all these expenses (fuel, warrant, maintenance of wheels and other replaceables). It is like a huge burden off your shoulders.
Definately go see a counsellor. You don't really have to tell your parents about it if you don't want to. There should be one which you can go see provided by your school. If it is anything like how it was in my school, you just have to drop in some details and they get back to you, even calling you out of class if they have to. Things may seem really out of control for you right now, but you can work through this. And you have to have faith in yourself too.
Wow, this is a lot to read lol. But hey... feel free to reply if you want to. I don't mind talking.
