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when i left my band i wrote this

1 Reply Last post by tarleya 3 months ago

dylanj >> 25/05/2010 6:00pm

After a fight I say goodbye but the truth is that I crumble inside.
I didn’t mean to go this far and but I am just looking for a new start
A fresh beginning without misery, leaving was a poison kiss to me
But now I can live naturally, to start on a new horizon
O times can change within the blink of an eye, roll back into your skull and watch yourself slowly die
You are cursed and I was blessed, relief from all the stress
Do not change what you can be, do not change the things you see
Harmonious ends peacefully

Once roadblock that comes and goes, leave with memories but nothing to show
I had no say to right or wrong, only despair that come on strong
Maybe it was me, but there was no relief, getting thru each day grinding my teeth
Angry you made me, like never before. Bottled up inside I tried to ignore
But all the pushing you done was too much for me, and I had to leave with my dignity
Before I left without going crazy, this is what you shall now see

O times can change within the blink of an eye, roll back into your skull watch yourself slowly die
Because you were cursed and I was blessed, relief from all the stress
Don’t change what you can be, don’t change what you can see
It is the end for you and me

Shattered glass cut my inside
Blood pours out I have nothing to hide
Oil tear drops stain my drive
Isolation from the outside
messed up my brain I cannot sleep
Twisted dreams is all I keep
For I was always be the black sheep
Sorry but this is me

Replies:

tarleya >> 29/05/2010 11:06am

That was one of the most emothional peoms ever it really reached out to me .... i know how you feel . i wasnt in a band but its one thing i know ive felt a million times before. its hard to ignore but maybe its not made to be ignored maybe its something yu should sort through but in a controlled environment . hope this helps you sound like and amazing dude .

boyfriend blues

1 Reply Last post by Jay_JWLH 3 months ago

california333 >> 25/05/2010 3:27pm

hi iv been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 8 months now.its been great and i think hes just perfect but theres one thing that gets me down.he does this thing where he acts all superior to me and just judges anything i say and say decisions that i make are stupid or things i enjoy are stupid.its started to get to me because he doesnt realise that he sound slike a total jerk and he makes me feel really bad.what can i do?

Replies:

Jay_JWLH >> 28/05/2010 10:35pm

Those are typical signs of things he should be improving on. The best thing you can get him to do is take a moment to listen, and tell him what is going on that is making you feel unhappy. If this isn't something he can work on, then this is nothing against how you feel for him. He could become one of those guys that end up being alone. This is because the people they were together with finally figured out that they deserved something better. Every guy is different, but you deserve somebody who can treat you as an equal. Somebody you can talk to, and listen to.

He might not take too kindly to it, but in situations like these it pays to be honest. On the other hand, honesty is one thing, being critical is another. For example it would be okay to tell him that he has been putting you down a whole lot, but not so okay if you just outright told him how much of a jerk he was.

I hope you two can work things out.

Out of Ideas

1 Reply Last post by lost89 3 months ago

Hurt >> 21/05/2010 2:00pm

Hey guys,

Im not normally one to talk about my feelings but i dont know what else to do...

I have been through alot in life without it really effecting me until recently...

I grew up without my biological father i still havent met him, my step father who is my dad to me has been around since i was 3, my parents split up when i was about 12 or so, and that was about the last thing to hurt me until my nana died in 08 who i was very close too...

My partner was with me at the funeral and as usual i didnt let myself get upset....

I cried once when my parents split up and once when my nana died but my partner and I have been fighting alot and it got to the point that we couldnt handle it anymore so we broke up...

She ended up getting a new partner but that wasnt the problem the problem was we were so angry at each other and we mentally tormented each other to the point where its really effected me i have cried endless tears over her...

We have since sorted things out and are back together in a new house but we have started fighting again and im getting angry at the most stupid things and its crazy...

I love her so much and I just want her to be happy but i cant do that coz im just not happy myself and i dont feel worthy enough to be with her and I dont have a job so shes covering most of the bills etc and i hate it i feel so bad about it...

I never really thought much about depression I always used to say its just in your mind no such thing until it hit me...

I dont know what to do anymore i just things to go back to how they were i dont enjoy anything anymore and ive put on alot of weight from sitting around not working so i have been going to the gym everyday but its not really helping...

Do i need anti depressants or something? Im sick of pushing my partner away and hurting her by always argueing and getting angry...

Any ideas would be appriciated as i have run out....

Replies:

lost89 >> 28/05/2010 2:09am

Hi there..

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time..

A little suggestion i would make (ive made this to other friends before and it has helped them). I know you are not the type to say what you are feeling, but it sounds like your partner and yourself are having commication problems more than anything else??? (correct me if i'm wrong) :-) anyway... if so... i would suggest taking time out.. either go down to beach or somewhere that you feel comfortable (on a nice day of course, if its the beach) or even just sit on in front of your computer.... write your partner a letter explaining how u are feeling as best you can... write what ever comes to mind.. it doesn't matter if i ranting and so on... just get it on that paper/screen... and then let her read what you have writen.. i dont know what your partner is like with swearing but even then don't hold back with swearing in your letter... let all emotion out... But write this letter when you are alone or at least have some privacy. ( i couldn't stress this more as when others around people tend to get worried that someone is reading over their shoulder). Once she has read it there are two things you can do.. if you are worried of an arguement due to a misunderstanding ask her to write one back. but you both need to be prepared to hear things you may not expect.. or you can both go somewhere, and talk about what you have wrote... take some tissues though. because it will be intense for the first few times as you get use to telling someone how u feel, this will also give you a chance to explain anything that may have caused confusing or just didn't make sense.

in terms of the job... there is a consulting company... called pasifika they are great... they help you find work, take you to interviews, and support you through the tough process of finding work. ( if you're interested)

As for the anti depressants... i PERSONALLY believe this is a personal decision that only you can make... i suggest going to talk to your GP or do some research about them or more importantly do some research about depression. i found for me.. understanding depression helped me understand myself.. and believe me i am a very complicated person lol.
i also suggest rather keeping up with the gym... as it will help with weight gain... and slowly it will help as your body release''s more endorphines. but also maybe finding something else... wheather thats a team sport or a arts and crafts... anything that you think you could enjoy as this will get you out of the house and doing soicalising.

don't know if you have ever seen the karate kid but there is a saying on there... "the grass is green, the sun is warm" when u get angry say this saying to yourself ... sounds stupid but it's just enough time to stop yourself from saying something you'll hate yourself for later.... well it mostly works for me.

anyway... this feels like a novel.. i hope it helps a little bit.

Lost89

Goodbye

1 Reply Last post by lost89 3 months ago

Kazious2010 >> 27/05/2010 1:04am

Hey everyone
well in the past few weeks ive talked about my brother dieing and also about my nana being sick well last night at 11:10 pm my nana passed away i was there i saw her take her last breath and its breaking my heart i keep trying to talk to family but all they are doing is fighting even tried a counciller and well that was not a nice feeling so i have decided i need to deal with this alone

she was like my best friend like a mum to me she helped bring me up and now shes gone and im alone everyone else has someone there with them and im all alone it hurts way to much and i dont know what to do the meds dont help the pain wont stop and im fully down

so im going to take each day as it comes and what ever happens happens i guess

no point feeling this way all the time

im just a young guy who is missing his nana and brother.

Replies:

lost89 >> 28/05/2010 1:06am

hey,

I'm so sorry to hear about your nanna.

I know people say this all the time but.. i understand how you feel, i watched my grandfather, also my best friend in the entire world pass away of a heart attack when i was 12 years old. My world as i knew it came crashing down around me and i felt like there was nothing else i could do... He was the one person i trusted with my heart and soul, the one person who kept me safe from my abusive step father, the one person who was there no matter what time of day or night. When he died i felt like i had no one, no one else in the world matted, as far as i was concerened i lost my best friend. I didn't want to talk to anyone else, to be honest i didn't care about anyone else, only thing on my mind was i wanted him back.

I also found myself disbelieving what had happened, i kept telling myself that one day he was going to walk through the door and tell us it was all a dream. Too be honest with you i didn't acknowlegde his death until three years ago... he died in 2001... it took me that long to stop denying what had happened... i'm not saying that denyal is a bad thing... to be honest i think it can be a good thing... sometimes it is what you need to find your feet to start to cope again but i just ask you please do not make the mistake i did and ignore your grief for years... because when it all finally hit me... well it was messy because it all pent up.

Kazious2010.. i know and understand you feel alone right now i just ask you to also think about something.. is now really a good time to stop posting on here.. In regards to how you are feeling about your nana passing on i do understand how and why you feel so alone... everyone else is so wrapped up in their own grief that they haven't stopped to realise that your heart is also breaking?

i do hope to hear from you again.. i would like to know how u are getting on. you've a long road ahead of you... but you will get there.

What is your favourite memory of your nana?

Lost89

I Feel Like My Life Is A Failure

1 Reply Last post by c.e 3 months ago

dalllat >> 26/05/2010 6:08pm

Im currently unemployed, not having luck with applying for jobs, have health issues, and am in a place so low im finding it hard to get back out of the trench so to speak...dont want to go to a doctor as i dont trust them, but unsure how to find other sorces of help, im really scared

Replies:

c.e >> 28/05/2010 12:52am

count me in too.i am lost for words.i am a mother of two gourges son and a wife to a wounderful husband.who i love them so darely.but to be honest i have no 1 to turn to dont even know where start.cant get a job unhappy all the time.just dont know what to do

whats the point

Last post by c.e 3 months ago

c.e >> 28/05/2010 12:45am

its hard to understand,because so many mix messages gets muddle up in your head and you just dont know where to start of end the pain.and some people just dont understand.help

Separation and Kids

Last post by louievii 3 months ago

louievii >> 27/05/2010 11:26am

I am just recently separated, my partner left me after 9 year relationship. We have two boys 2 and 4. She has moved to another house and has taken the kids. I feel really rundown and low feel like i have let my children down. This is not how i wanted them brought up. I feel depressed all the time at the moment. Don't really want to go on anti depressants if can help it. Feel as though i may have been suffering depression before any of this even happened but feels bad at the moment.

Any advice anyone?

1 Reply Last post by call me a cab 3 months ago

Ray-Man92 >> 20/05/2010 8:29pm

Well, long long long story short, i think ive been depressed for many years, since before i even knew what depression was as far as i can remember. But its been on and off for the whole time. Im naturally the sort of person who only wants to deal with my own problems in my own time, with no outside help. I have plenty of friends who i know care about me, i have a loving partner of two years, but i still feel as though im facing the world alone.. School has been stressing me out, as im sure everyone can relate to, but for some reason i cant relieve this stress. This is the most worrying thing for me at the moment. I will deal with the depression aswell, but at the moment the depression is stopping me from relaxing, because i dont want to let myself get down (when i think i start to feel depressed, i generally try to stop it by doing something (doesnt always work)).

So pretty much, moral of this long but abbreviated story is: How can i be less stressed, and does anyone have some good advice as to how i can keep my depression away or cure it at least for now?

Please help, as im starting to drift away from my friends and partner, as well as not keeping up with school work

Replies:

call me a cab >> 26/05/2010 5:36pm

Perhaps you could reach out and talk to your partner about how you feel, I do with mine and I find that it helps. Just being able to say how you feel and get it off your chest can help

Just left my band, a poem of my feelings

2 Replies Last post by dylanj 4 months ago

dylanj >> 16/05/2010 6:33am

I just want to hide from all the struggles in life
Put them aside and stop all the strife
But for some reason I find it hard to stay
In one place for more than one day
To many voices in my head telling me whats correct
When really nothing I can do wil stop this wreck
Giving up on my dreams, I let them slip away
I don’t know why but now im in dismay
Is this what I wanted, for real or for fake
This option I choose was a mistake
But I cannot fix now what I have done
Stupid mistakes I make but in the long run
I will continue with what is most fun
Playing music under the summer sun
But Dreams for me aren’t meant to be
Get to caught up in the way I should be
Free from the life so I can live happily
For me dreams don’t come naturally, peacefully or along those lines
Paranoid illusions set me to confine
Defensive I am but within time
I hope that your destiny is devine
I know that you wil continue onto fame
For you are stronger with no name
Kicking myself now I shouldn’t of quit
But what can I do now I cant forget
the actions i took no disrespect
my life has been a rollercoaster
now i must reflect

Replies:

dylanj >> 25/05/2010 5:55pm

i guess it got too much for me. i believed i wasnt getting my point across, wasnt getting heard and i got really depressed because i felt like i was always getting mocked. paranoid illusions now i see.

hulk >> 18/05/2010 12:19am

hey mate, thats a really good poem, you've got a real talent for words. Why did you leave your band?

Broken hearted, dont know what to do..

Last post by memory12 4 months ago

memory12 >> 24/05/2010 4:46pm

Hi. Ive been in a 7 yr relationship with a guy who i thought was the one for me, boy was i so wrong, had his
baby, shes now 3 in 2 weeks, he hasnt been supportive, Man, who does that? I havent been the same since
he left me, Every time i look at my daughter, i just break down and cry. He left me last year in november
and i thought that ill get over him, but man it's hard, cant stop thinking of him, wake up in the middle of the
night and just sit up for a couple of hours thinking of him. I know it sounds silly but man any suggestions
from anyone?

I don't know what to do anymore?

2 Replies Last post by *Tiff* 4 months ago

*Tiff* >> 17/05/2010 9:40pm

Im only 15 and I've had a lot happen in the past 1 1/2 years. My brother has died, my mum almost died, my parents split up, we were stalked by my mum's psycho ex-boyfriend for a while and I've lost a few friends.

But the thing that's hit me the hardest is losing my boyfriend of almost 1 year. He was my first love and I'm struggling to let him go.
I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and panic disorders.
Sometimes I spend entire nights crying. Some I spend drinking :(
When I am alone at home at night, I sometimes look at pictures of me and my ex-boyfriend together. And sometimes just pictures of him on his own. And there are times I cry over them, and some times I can only sit there, seemingly frozen, zoning in and out of reality.
There has been one or two cases I've collapsed thinking about him, and a few cases I've just sat on the floor, rocking back and forth gently, repeating to myself "this isn't real".
I have been admitted to Psyche Emergency in the public hospital for self-harm.
It has been almost one month since my ex left my life, blocking me from everywhere without warning. He changed his cellphone number, blocked me on msn and refuses to answer my calls. I've started to give up, as it is stuck in my head I can't live without him.

I just don't know what to do anymore. My counsellors aren't helping and my friends are giving up and are lost for ideas on how to help.
So is my mum.

What do I do? .. :(

Replies:

*Tiff* >> 23/05/2010 2:52pm

Hey Jerry, thanks a lot for that info, I'll give it a shot. But you're spot on with a lot of it. Especially the black void part. :/

In between appointments with my counsellors I try to keep myself distracted daily, and it worked for a few days - I seemed to be sort of happy. No tears or sadness. Then my recent ex contacted me just to tell me to never contact me again and my mood flew south, and it has been very low for the past 2-3 days. So low I can barely smile lately :(

I'm not sure what to do at this point. All I want to do is block myself off from everyone and everything. I have no appetite, I'm forcing myself to eat because I know I have to, but I'm hardly drinking anything - I can't seem to keep anything down very well.

I don't have another appointment for 4 days, and I don't know what to do until then?

-Tiff

jerry.prince >> 21/05/2010 11:32am

For starters it sounds like you need more than just counselling Tiff. Unfortunately because of your brother dying and almost losing your mom it seems like you needed someone to be your rock and that person was your ex. Now that he's gone you don't know who else to lean on for support because you invested so much time and emotion in him.

I've been on antidepressants for over a month now and I think it's something you should discuss with a psychologist. Antidepressants have helped me alleviate all the bad feelings and this has enabled me to disconnect from all the pain and suffering to concentrate on the real issues in my life. I really think you could benefit from the kind of peace of mind antidepressants offer so that you can deal with the trauma of losing your brother and your boyfriend.

I can tell you from experience that losing your first love is one of the hardest things you can go through. In fact I'll be straight up, you will always remember him for the rest of your life. You'll always have some place in your heart for him because of the impact he's made on your life. But eventually, you'll begin to see that you can hold him in your heart with fondness and great memory and move on with your life. Because there are better things out there. Life gets so much better than where you're at right now. Being a teenager sucks. But you have to keep this in mind - this too shall pass. You have to hold onto your faith that you will beat this and emerge a better, stronger person. Nothing is impossible and even though you feel like you've been sucked into this black void and there's no light to guide you out, believe in yourself. Believe in yourself because you are your biggest supporter. Life is so long and you're not even 1/4 of the way through it yet. Think of all the amazing things life has to offer. Think of the things you love, the things you've always wanted to do and experience. This is your life remember. You can do with it whatever the hell you like.

Think of it this way Tiff. You're stuck in this world for at least another, say, 75 years right? What do you want from those years? You have all the time in the world to do whatever you want to do. But if you have your mentality stuck on 'tomorrow-is-going-to-be-better' if you don't change your here and now then the future isn't going shape into what you want it to be.

Focus on each day being a challenge. Set yourself very small, achievable goals. And don't think that things will change overnight. It's progressive Tiff. It's a journey and even though you're suffering now you'll look back on this in 20 years and see how much you grew as a person and how much possibility lay before you.

Never give up hope ok?
I know what you mean about friends giving up because they don't know how to help. It's hard for people who have never experienced depression to know how you're feeling. The best advice I can offer is to find one or two people who are willing to be patient and work slowly through this with you and stick with them. Don't blame your other friends for not knowing what to do - it's just because they don't understand it.

I suggest you and your mom go to your counsellor together and discuss all of this. If you don't feel like he/she is helping then find someone else.

Above all else, remember that you ALWAYS have options Tiff.

Best of luck.

- Jerry

sad

1 Reply Last post by snap 4 months ago

dianagiddens >> 21/05/2010 8:52am

hi readers i am sad always and i don't know why felt like this since i was abused does anyone know what its like

Replies:

snap >> 23/05/2010 2:19am

You are not alone! it still upsets me and the most recent one happened a year and a half ago. I don't know what is but personally i feel like a part of me has gone missing. All i know is it takes a lot of time to find your feet again

Write it down

1 Reply Last post by snap 4 months ago

serenaj >> 18/05/2010 12:37pm

Hi everyone. I have been suffering from depression since I was 15 (I'm now 22), and have been feeling very low lately, as I'm at a crossroads in my life and I don't know what's going to happen next. That always seems to be the thing that triggers it for me - when I've just finished something good - like a course or and overseas trip where I'm feeling like my life is going somewhere, and then it stops and I have no job and nothing to look forward to - I can't stand not working. Anyway, I found this site today after bursting into tears for no reason about three times today - once while driving along the motorway. After visiting this site, I started writing. I wrote down all the things that triggered my depression when I was young, and all the things since then, and am now trying to figure out what's causing it now. It may not work for everyone, but I think everyone should at least try it. write it down. even if it's in Word. Just pour your heart out, don't worry about the spelling or if it sound weird and doesn't make sense - if it makes sense to you, that's all that matters. And maybe seeing it all laid out in front of you like that will help you make sense of your life. I hope this helps. Serena xox

Replies:

snap >> 23/05/2010 1:04am

This is a fantastic thing to do! I have had depression since i was 13 and am almost 20 now. Writing has been one of the best things for me to get through most of my major downs. It is so good because sometimes you just can't talk about it and you know that paper can't judge you. I would even go through a phase of drawing which was just as good sometimes when you can't find the words.

Can't adapt, Miss home too much...

Last post by xRK27 4 months ago

xRK27 >> 23/05/2010 12:38am

I've moved around a lot in my life but i've just gotten used to it. But the latest move...has probably been the worst. I lived in America, and my life was Perfect, really just perfect. I had it all and had the most amazing friends. But out of nowhere, things went bad and we had no choice but for my family to leave (recession issues, and job loss). We came back to NZ where i spent my early childhood since i was born but never felt it as home. Everything was so different, and it was hard to get used to at first but this happens every time i move and i usually just adapt and make friends pretty fast as i always do.

But this time I didnt. I noticed how different people were and just couldn't make friends with anyone here, no matter how much i tried, so withdrew and just became nobody. I had no friends, nothing and i've never been in a situation like that before I felt so alone and so different, like no one could understand me and everything was just so different. I was struggling through every day and was just emotionless to everyone around me, I started having 'breakdowns' where i just spewed out all this emotion to no one, just talking or thinking at myself and crying. i'd be fine for a while after them but feelings sort of just built up and i'd breakdown every now and then.This school year, however i changed my attitude a bit and started making friends, a lot actually...but i wouldnt call them friends...Just people i knew. I became popular but in a way where i just knew tons of people but thats just it. I guess it was sort of a front? So i'd pretend i was like my social self again but it just made things worse. I can;t get close to anyone here and cant remember the last time i truly talked to someone, im feeling as alone as ever. I cant stop thinking about my friends and comparing this life to my perfect life...

-

Just found out something..

2 Replies Last post by Jay_JWLH 4 months ago

meow >> 20/05/2010 12:19am

I found out yesterday that my boyfriend of nearly 2years was severely traumatised at the age of 14. He is now 18. I dont know how to handle this as he doesnt know that i know. Please help :(

Replies:

Jay_JWLH >> 22/05/2010 7:31pm

If I am right, then he won't want a whole load of your sympathy when he really has done without it all these years, but having your support and understanding will be a massive bonus. There really is no telling how he would react if you were to confront him about a less than pleasant past, so if you do then at least don't force him to tell you everything in one go, and I hope he opens up with you.

Either way I know you want to be able to talk to him about it, and let him know you can share something personal with you whenever he feels ready to. As long as you don't push him to, and let him feel comfortable doing so, then he will share it with you eventually.

will93 >> 21/05/2010 4:58pm

i know exactly what your going through although, my boyfriend told me about his past himself. my boyfriend is 18 too, and when he was about 11 or 12 years old some pretty bad stuff happened. i dont know what your boyfriend is like but maybe you should try and tell him that he can trust you and that you know. if he doesnt want to talk about it straight away, just say you will be there for him when he's ready.

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