Nacht >> 18/06/2010 8:07pm
I don't fit in. Anyhere. Even with my closest friends, it just never feels right.
I mean, I love them an everything, but whenwe go for our little walks I'm always the one that lags behind and doesn't say anything... and when i want to say something I'm scared that it'll make me look like an idiot, that I'll destroy any shreds of respect that they may hold for me.
So I never speak, never do antyhing, just follow along behind them like a little dog, and I get so lonely. Even when I'm surrounded by people, I get really lonely. And then it seems like whenever that happens, there's never anyone around to help me through. And I start feeling down, start doubting myself. And I feel like I'm not good enough. Like I'm a complete and utter failure, like the world would be better without me.
I don't know who I am anymore. And I can't feel anything for anyone except just one of those closest friends, and even then it's just a spark of warmth that hardly does anything to lighten my mood. I try putting on a happy face for everyone but inside I'm nothing, just an empty shell.
I hardly know what to do... someone, help, please.
Replies:
epiclight >> 22/06/2010 12:50am
Hi there, I can relate to how you're feeling, and I know that feeling like the tag along sucks. Don't be scared to say something, they're your friends, even if it sounds idiotic, if they're your friends they will laugh WITH you. I want to say "don't think so much" but I know that won't help.
Try and think of all the things you know about yourself. What interests you, what do you like, what angers you, anything, anything that will help you to remember who you are. That's what I try and do when I feel like I'm losing myself.
Don't be afraid to let the happyface down and show you're friends that you aren't happy. Talk to them. Or talk to someone.
G.
lonelygurl >> 18/06/2010 4:20pm
im jessica im 17 years old i feel like no1 really luvs me or respects me im not the person i used 2 be i have almost no friends i fight with my parents almost all the time im not good enough 4 them i dont think i will ever be i feel sad n hopeless most of the time i just need a friend who could understand the way i am feeling
i want things 2 change i cant handle this life im tired of hiding my feelings from everyone i have all my feelings bottled up inside n i think one day they are just going 2 come out plz sum1 be a friend
Replies:
Whitney Rose >> 20/06/2010 8:17pm
Everyone goes through times when they feel like they aren't loved by those around them. Depression loves to bring you down and make you think of those negative thoughts. please know that I'm here for you! I know you don't know me personally, but I care and I understand exactly what you're feeling. You have been blessed with a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food to eat - because your parents love you!! You sound like an amazing girl. You can so do it!!
AshManning >> 19/06/2010 4:07pm
@sad n lonely, i'm 15 years old and feel the same way, mine came out partly the other day, talk to someone you trust it helps (:
inspire-me >> 18/06/2010 8:14pm
Hi I'm Lisa and I'm 19, I've been suffering with depression and anxiety since I was 15 and I sure understand how you're feeling and what you're going through. I struggled with my last year at school and although I had lots of friends and I was well liked and known, I found it so hard to talk with them about 'normal' things, I lost interest in things and I soon became isolated from them. So I know how you feel. To have some friends and date and do usual teenage stuff would be great. I feel like I've missed out most of my teenage years due to what I'm going through. I started uni this year which has been a massive step for me as I find it really really hard to be interested in something and socialize and I feel tired all the time. Luckily for me my parents are very supportive and they made me get help and I'm now on medication which helps with my mood a bit. I still feel lonely most of the time though, so Hi I'm Lisa :)
Freckles >> 18/06/2010 5:48pm
I know what you mean. /: Maybe not exactly, but how I feel is pretty similar. I wish I could email you or something.
My names also Jessica. And I'm seventeen.
kittykat007 >> 03/06/2010 7:50pm
i lost my mum on the 3rd of november 2009 and my life had been up and down since, and i'm only 18. I had to go back to high school to finish level three, or school cert, i had to sell the house my mum and my two older brothers lived in for 16 years, we had to clean it out first (mum was a horder). i've been so torn up, at my aunt's place that i have lashed out at my cousins, hit them, and then when i walk away i feel miserable and i cry then i wonder why did my mum leave me? and then i cry more...
looking out for a helping hand
xoxo
Replies:
Prii >> 20/06/2010 5:27am
Hey hun I know exactly what its like to lose a mum, it hurts really bad huh? I lost my mum in October last year I was 17 at the time, it was a real big shock for me, and I had to finish school as well.
My mum and I never really had a proper relationship, it's a long story but my mum lost her mother wen she was 11, my mum developed depression, then it got worse and she got bypolar, she had three kids and after every child she would have posnatil depression so my step brother, my step sister and i wer taken from my her and we were all raised seperatly, wen i was a baby my mum did some horible things to me but the one thing I hated her most for was giving me this scar that I wil have for my whole life.
Since my birth I've been strugling, I've been soo insecure and very lost, I hated my mum my whole life, i was ashamed of her, i was ashamed of her ilness, it wasnt until she died that I finally forgave her but by then it was too late, it wasnt until then that I understood her illnes and the reasons why she was ill, but it was too late, I felt GUILTY, it was soo hard and i'm stil finding it hard, I cry and think of how much I missd out on.
I've been through soo much and im stil young, there is more to my story but I'd be here all day!
All I can say is, heres my story, and your not alone :) Atleast you had a life with your mum, cherish your memories of her, know that shes watching over you because she is
I've been to hell and back and is made me a stronger person, it will get better beleive me, what you really need to do is help your self, you need to talk about it, think happy thoughts, think of happy memories, reach out for help but most importanlty you need to commit and motivate your self to get better.
Take care :) I know what its like to feel alone.
take care xx
ThatCrippleGirl >> 10/06/2010 3:49pm
hey i cant say ive lost a parent but ive had someone know die every year since i was 14. i was diagnosed with depression last year and have been on pills since. part of my depression is the fact that i get really down but like you i lash out at people my sisters, pets anyone really. so i know what its like u r not alone please remember that
Freckles >> 17/06/2010 7:11pm
I live with my Dad, the floor is hardly visible, The house stinks, there's hardly anywhere to walk because there's rubbish everywhere. There;s no shower and the bath is disgusting. We live in an old house and Dad never turns on the hot water. All the pipes are screwed so he's turned off the water. So the toilet doesn't flush. It's disgusting, and, well, being a girl, makes that a whole lot worse. I have to shower and eat at my Nana's house. I'm stuck here, away from my friends and my boyfriend. I have nothing to do all day. I just sit here and do nothing. I'm graduly getting bigger and sadder. I'm stuck. I don't know who to talk to.
Replies:
mandym88 >> 19/06/2010 7:36am
you need to understand that this is more than money and personal possessions - this is about your health and your life.
If your dad is going out of his way to get broadband and a laptop for you then i doubt he would legitimately be able to kick up a fuss if you ask him to put the water back on!!!! As a parent he needs to give you your essential needs. It wouldnt be about getting him in trouble - its about helping him be a parent.
I dont know everything about the situation with your dad but he obviously loves you a lot. Maybe get your grandparents to sit down with him and sort this out. Don't ever think you're not worth the extra effort. You only get this life once and i bet your dad cares about whats important for you. In the very least get him to ensure the toilet flushes!
I know its easy for me to sit here and say all this to you, but the hard part of you actually acting on it is much more important and rewarding.
Freckles >> 18/06/2010 4:13pm
I really don't want to get him in trouble. And he just bought me a laptop. /: I'd feel bad leaving him after he spent so much on me. I was planning to move out when he bribed me with it. To stay at least til the end of the year. I know it's really sad, but I'm seventeen and I've never owned anything this expensive in my life. He also got broadband on. A one year contract. For the laptop. And I use my Grandparents enough as it is. They don't need the burden of looking after a teenager.
mandym88 >> 18/06/2010 1:10pm
you need to get out of there asap!! and stay out until your dad changes things!
You said you shower and eat at your nanas house? Can you stay there temporarily until something is sorted out more permanently? Thats unhygenic and very bad for you to stay there. Reach out to your friends and any family available to you. You're not alone and there will definitely be plenty of people willing to help you! But the first step is definitely getting out of the house with your dad - i dont know if thats even legal! Maybe call the Citizens advice people - they will point you in the right direction straight away!
lost89 >> 17/05/2010 4:56pm
i've been thinking on it all day and ive given up on reaching out for help from friends... they all seem to think of me as this strong women that can get through anything... they seem to believe this so strongly that they can't seem to understand that i am struggling to keep my head above water and need their help... even if only a hug. but everytime i try to reach out i find myself bein met with the normal "your a strong women if anyone can find a way through it you" so why bother??? i'll just keep being that strong women and hope that i do find a way through it without the help
Replies:
lost89 >> 18/06/2010 7:40pm
good to hear from you.. not so good to hear about your mates..
i do understand.... some friends just don't get that although you wanted a small flat warming it still meant a big deal that they showed some interest... it's actually really rat shit that people did that.
and btw you can vent as much as you like... it honestly doesn't bother me...
me??? well... it's been a long few weeks... have transfered to the sickness benefit because the depression has gotten worse... have put my anti depressant dose up... and my mother has betryaed me for the last time... lol... it's a long story.
kezz88 >> 29/05/2010 12:18pm
Hey,
I just wondered how things were going with you. I've been thinking about you quite a bit the last few days so thought i'd check in.
You know, right now I'm at a point where i feel i need my mates around me and last night i had a moment which sadly taught me who my true friends are. I have just shifted into a new place on my own when previously i've lived with other people so i thought id organise a flat warming - just a casual one - with a couple of my mates since im in a place on my own. I'd had it organised for two and a half weeks, sent invites and asked for RSVP's by wednesday and got 5 yes' and 2 maybe's. Well last night I had two people turn up and I had catered for 5 people.
To be honest it has really gutted me. I just wanted to have mates around me and have a good time, a few laughs and not focus on all the serious stuff happening in life. I mean i did have a good time, the two mates that did turn up are dear friends so i was over the moon that they did come but still i cant help but feel gutted by the fact that others just cancelled last minute or just didnt turn up at all.
I know im moaning, but im hoping that you might understand. I've always felt like my friends are my family, and they mean the world to me. Sure a lot of them dont get what im going through what-so-ever but even so there are one or two that sort of try too.
Anyway, i really just wanted to post to see hoe you were doing and not intending to moan my butt off. Sorry for that.
I hope you are holding up ok.
Kezz88
lost89 >> 24/05/2010 11:43am
tried emailing a friend but still no luck.
:-(
talkin to parents is a no go... mum is... well lets just say we're not on talking terms for good reasons. and although things with dad and i have improved hes of that dont stress out hunni stress kills attitude.. lol..
Jay_JWLH >> 22/05/2010 7:40pm
Unfortunately it doesn't sound like any of your friends are actually listening. If they were, then they would at least take the time to hear you out, sympathise, and make you feel more understood.
It's nice to not have your mind always in taters, but you should find a way to get your friends to finally listen to you. Whether you txt it to somebody, or talk to them about it in person, keep it one on one to reduce any chance of peer pressure from other people getting in the way of anyone who is actually willing to listen. Even give talking to your parents a chance as well. I'm sure you'll find somebody.
lost89 >> 22/05/2010 6:21pm
that would have been cool to keep in touch with each other via email.. however with being the internet it's not really a safe place to exchange email addy's.
Just got back from docs... finally got to go see him, as much i hate the thought he has put my anti depressants dose up for three months (long enough for me to get on my feet again, hopefully) have to go back at the end of three months to talk to him if i think i would bennift from another 3 months on them :-)
i cant believe how tired i am today.
kezz88 >> 21/05/2010 5:45pm
For some reason my e-mail address didnt go onto that post, so..... makes it a bit hard for me to expect you to e-mail me doesn't it! lol
kezz88 >> 21/05/2010 2:43pm
I can relate to what you mean, its hard when everyone around you is happy or celebrating something and you know that deep inside you, you feel completely opposite at the moment. It is tough!
Sometimes we do just need some time to sit with how we're feeling and express it the way it is, but i knw that is harder than it sounds, especially when friends aren't all that understanding or even aware.
I'm no expert, I can just relate to some of what you must be feeling and if you want, I'm happy to be here for you. Maybe we can e-mail each other now
Give me an e-mail sometime and let me know if you do want to keep in touch a bit (again only if you want too)
Keryn (Kezz88)
lost89 >> 20/05/2010 9:30pm
It's all good.. go on as much as you like.. truth be told we're both here because we're looking for support (which we're not getting from those we would like to get it from).
It must be so hard to deal with what u are dealing with... i know that i struggle with "basic" anaemia, my body doesn't or at least stuggles to store it so i sort of understand the stuggle there.
What post have u not had answered?
Tonight is a hard night, just got back from netball, a friend of mine is pregos... i should be happy for her but after having 2 miscarriages myself a few years back and then having a tough dealing with a migraine and missing my babies (which granted i do everyday) but i just couldnt handle all the prego talk tonight over dinner... i wanted so badly to just ask one of my mates for a hug but with everyone so happy about the pregnancy i felt i couldnt, i was too scared that i would end up breaking down and bringing down everyones moods. So i kept my mask on as firm as i could. sigh. I feel so bad i should be happy for my mate and her husband but right now i just can't find it in myself to be happy for them..
there's just too much going on at the moment.
kezz88 >> 20/05/2010 1:01pm
I know how you're feeling with the whole "take off the mask" thing, i feel the same way, although the couple of posts I have done on here haven't usually been answered so now I mainly stick to replying to the ones that I feel I relate too most, such as your post.
Life for me is a struggle, even before the blood disorder dioagnosis, I have struggled with major depression since i was about 13 years old - I'm now 22. I've had trouble with my bloods since about then too. It was a bit of a relief to have the condition finally diagnosed and recognised officially (as for years I was simply taking tablets that weren't working and then injections that my body grew to resist.) To be honest though, at the same time as this diagnosis I feel as though my life has 'fallen apart' around me. I had to resign from my work because I got so sick for so long that I couldn't do it anymore and that meant a lot of my support network and friends that I had built up through my work all became distant too.
It's been nearly a year since I got so sick and ended up in hospital, then got diagnosed with this condition but still I dont think I have processed it much at all. My friends dont seem to, or want to even try to understand, I guess its a big thing to get your head around anyway - I'm having trouble. But I cant seem to get people to understand that my life has now become mostly about my mental illness and this blood condition as they are the two biggest barriers I am facing at the moment.
This blood disorder (Called Chronic Iron Deficiency Anaemia) for me means fortnightly bloodtests to monitor my levels, monthly doctors check-ups and I see the specialists at the hospital every 3 months. the specialists estimate that every 6-9months I'll have to go into hospital to get an IV Iron Infusion (Which is done in the day ward but takes 7-8 hours to complete) and every 9-12months I may need blood transfusions. I was (and still am) devastated to find that this is what I will need for the rest of my life, and as I get older my body will resist the treatment, just like the tablets and the injections resulting in more frequent infusions and blood transfusions.
The IV Iron Infusions make me feel really sick, the side effects are horrible and it means I am almost completely non-functioning for a good 2-3weeks following the treatment. A month or so after the treatment is generally when I feel quite good, my energy levels are up, my moods are more stable and i feel almost totally normal for a change, but unfortunately that all wares off as my blood levels decline. It is pretty crap, but I figure it could be worse. IT's just hard having to face all this with friends (and family) who really dont get it, or how i feel about it.
Anyway, sorry, I really didn't mean to go on about my crap. I just want you to know that you are not alone with how you feel. I know how lonely it must feel, but you are not alone.
Take care of yourself aye,
Keryn (Kezz88)
lost89 >> 19/05/2010 2:53pm
Thank u for your reply...
i am pleased to hear that i am not the only one feeling like this although i am sad to hear it at the same time.
i'm sorry to hear about your blood disorder. It's so fustrating when friends are just like you;ll be fine, you're strong, at least you know whats wrong blah blah blah. Dont know about you but sometimes i just want to reach out and slap them instead of just sitting there agreeing with them just to keep the peace.
At the moment it this place seems to be the only place that i can take my mask off.. instead of doing the whole.. im fine honest... *big smile*
how u coping with your blood disorder?
kezz88 >> 18/05/2010 7:40pm
I can relate to how you probably feel, my circle of friends react the same to me whenever i am struggling. I found this the hardest over the last few months where i recently found myself in hospital and being diagnosed with a chronic blood disorder. Basically all my mates just said that I'll be fine and that it's good to finally have an answer to what was going on. Whilst this is true, it doesn't mean that I don't need support.
In all, I guess i just wanted to say to you that I can relate to what you mean and how you must be feeling. It is a lonely world when you don't have anyone to just listen or give you a hug or just sit with you when you feel you need it.
Please dont stop reaching out, you are not alone, i know you feel it, but there are people here who relate to things and can have more to say than just point out the fact that you are a strong woman! (Yes, it sounds like you are very strong, but doesnt mean you dont need a friend from time to time!!)
I hope things start picking up a bit, I'm thinking of you.
Take Care
